


Other Worlds

by Emilyrose24601



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Internalized Homophobia, Love Triangles, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content, Swearing, Underage Drinking, and i mean lots of angst, toni plays basketball
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:28:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 27,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28977402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emilyrose24601/pseuds/Emilyrose24601
Summary: "I know you won’t remember any of this tomorrow but I’m here for you. I don’t hate you."Toni had spent her life being shuffled from one foster home to the next until finally landing at her current placement, which was nearly worse than all the other homes she was placed. Only, she couldn't fight and misbehave her way out of this one because her next stop was a group home miles away from her life.To make matters worse, she had been assigned desk partners with the most irritating girl in junior year. Toni later finds out that maybe there is more to Shelby Goodkind than meets the eye.
Relationships: Andrew/Shelby Goodkind, Regan/Toni Shalifoe, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 132
Kudos: 420





	1. The beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is just a Toni/Shelby story I had bouncing around my head. The Wilds is the best show I've seen in a while! I'm not the most experienced writer so forgive me if I make any mistakes. 
> 
> This is a dark story so please heed the warnings in the tags. The story does contain descriptions of abuse and everything else I have listed in the tags. So if you're unsure maybe have a scan for a different fic :)
> 
> Also this is cross posted from Wattpad, I promise I am the same person x

Toni was curled at the foot of the dining room table, her cheek pressed up against the sticky laminate flooring. She wasn't sure how long she had been there or when her foster mom, Carol, finally grew tired of repeatedly kicking her in the stomach. When she eventually opened her senses to the world once again, the distinct smell of cigarette smoke and fake laughter echoing from the television indicated that Toni could slip out the front door and head to school without Carol causing her to be later than she already was.

Some things never change.

This was her 8th foster home in 9 years, each one was pretty much just as bad as the last. Foster parents like Carol, however, were worst. Foster homes which indicated that the owners had money were always a double-edged sword. They were either lovely, something Toni had only experienced once, or they were sick people who got of on asserting their power over a minor. Her current placement was the latter. Again.

Toni stepped outside, still shaking from her encounter with Carol. This was exacerbated by the heavy snow falling from the sky.

"Fuck," Toni muttered to herself. In the state she had left the house in it was a wonder that she had managed to grab her school bag. Her teeth and hair were not brushed, Her clothes were the hoodie and jeans she had left on the floor from the previous day, and her coat was hanging on the hook in the lounge.

There was no way she was going back in there. With shaky, numb hands, she reached for her phone and dialled the only person she knew would answer immediately.

After three rings music blared through the line. A muffled sound was emitted through the speaker before the music was muted. "Sorry about that. Hey Toni!" Hearing Martha's voice immediately made her feel better. Mentally, that is, nausea was still swirling in stomach after her beating.

"Martha! I am so sorry but I need a favour." She braced herself to lie to her best friend, again. "My foster mum is not well and I would really appreciate a ride because I left my coat at Dot's house when I studied there last night."

At least the part about studying at Dot's was not a lie. It was, however, the reason for her beating this morning. Ever since Carol found out that Toni was gay, any time she stayed out past 10 her foster mom assumed she was defiling some poor straight girl. Carol wasn't the most homophobic foster parent she'd had, but she was certainly the most inventive in terms of excuses to beat her foster child. Toni didn't even think she cared that she was gay, it just gave Carol a good reason to take a power trip.

After a view seconds of silence Toni began to worry that Martha would say no. An hour walk in a snow storm with no coat and a potentially broken rib was not ideal, she thought, but she was sure she could manage. She had been through worse, and she wasn't dead yet. Just as she mentally prepared herself for the cold trek, Martha spoke up, "I mean... Of course I'll give you a lift." Toni sighed in relief, wincing as a sharp pain reverberated in her chest. Martha continued, "But, she's been sick nearly every other day this month. I'm wondering if she should see someone. Should she be caring for minors? Or is there something you're not telling me?"

"No, no, no!" Toni nearly yelled, quickly lowering her voice remembering that she was still standing just outside of Carol's house. "It's nothing like that, she's just having a bad month. If there was anything going on I'd tell you." She cringed at her lie.

"I know you would," Martha concurred, making Toni feel worse. "I'm just around the corner, I'll see you in a minute."

"Okay," Toni muttered, guilt rippling through her body. Or maybe it was just nausea. She quickly hung up and staggered down the porch step leaning into a bush and the end of the front yard. She gagged a few times before finally vomiting a small amount of bile and alarmingly, blood into Carol's rose bush. Every retch sent an electric shock of pain through her ribs. Tears sprung to her eyes and she fell to her knees, wrapping her arms around her chest. After a few shallow breaths she stood, wiped her mouth and rubbed the tears out of her eyes. Luckily it was cold so her red eyes would likely blend in with her red cheeks.

Her stomach had only just settled when Martha's little boxy four wheel drive flew around the corner by her house and came to a grinding stop in front of the driveway. Toni did not know much about cars, but she was sure that the screech, akin to the sound a dying crow would make, did not suggest a viable driving technique. The thought of entering Martha's swerving, speeding death trap made her stomach flip once again but she ignored it and chuckled as Martha rolled down the window and drawled in a poor English accent, "May I offer you a ride m'lady?"

Toni rapidly rubbed her hands together trying to defrost her frozen fingers before reaching for the passenger seat door handle. "Hey Marty."

"Don't worry about it. I was going this way anyway." Toni knew that she wasn't. In fact this route to school was completely out of her way. She was thankful anyway though. "What is up with your foster mom anyway?" Martha asked, shifting the car into first gear and taking off.

"Ah who cares about her," Toni replied. She ran her tongue over her furry feeling teeth remembering something. She leaned forward, opened the glovebox and immediately the little emergency kit that Martha had put together for when she ran away from previous foster homes. She didn't know what she had done to deserve a friend like Martha.

Waving the newly found toothbrush and toothpaste in front of Martha face she asked, "Do you mind if I quickly brush my teeth? I overslept after my evening with Dot."

"Yeah sure." Martha didn't seem to read any deeper into that excuse as she reached for the volume button and let the music blast through the car again. Toni laughed as Martha rapped along to a song she hardly knew and with a mouth full of toothpaste she joined in using her toothbrush as a microphone as she sang random words to the unfamiliar verse.

She briefly forgot about the trauma of her morning, the way she always did when she made her best friend laugh.

They pulled up at the school, miraculously, on time. Mindlessly, Toni reached to unbuckle her seat belt causing her to keel over and let out a gasp. Winded, she straightened up and turned her head towards Martha, careful not to jostle her injuries. The look of concern all over her friends face sent a wave of rage through the injured girl.

She should be able to enjoy a journey to school with her best friend, dance freely in the passenger seat, or even laugh without pain. She couldn't think with her fists at this home the way she did in every other situation that caused her or others to be victimised. She was on her final warning for disorderly behaviour; if she got kicked out of this foster home she would be sent to a group home. Toni would not put herself through hell the way she was doing now if there was a group home within a 50 mile radius of her school, which there was not. She simply could not live without Martha.

She just had to stick it out for two more years. Two more years until she could finish school and move into her own place.

"Toni..." Martha trailed off, her voice barely a whisper.

Toni hung her head, guilt rippling through her chest for causing her best friend to worry and for the next lie she had to tell. "It's nothing, I got into a fight yesterday at basketball practice." Luckily her knuckles were already bruised and scabbed from a fight she had gotten into earlier in the week which helped to sell the lie.

Martha sighed in annoyance, indicating that she believed her. Toni would rather Martha be disappointed in her for picking a fight rather than worried about her home life. It was not a hard lie to believe; Toni lost her temper on a near weekly basis at school. "Show me."

"What?" Toni replied, confused about her friend's apparent disinterest in her fake fight.

"Show me your injuries, take of your shirt."

"Oh." Toni smirked, letting out a small chuckle. "Had I known..." She trailed off with a mock seductive wink.

"Toni, don't joke. I am serious," Martha groaned out in frustration.

She hadn't even looked at her own injuries yet. There was no way she was going to show Martha without knowing how bad they were herself. "Look, I am fine. I've been through worse and injuries are always more tender the second day." She climbed out of the car before Martha could respond, noting the empty parking lot and realising that first period had probably already started.

A faint mumble sounded from the car before Toni heard a door slam and snow crunching as Martha jogged to catch up. "You and your fights have made us late once again," She joked, giving Toni's hand a light squeeze.

"Oh please," Toni scoffed good-naturedly giving Martha a small shove. "The amount of times your dangerous driving and lack of direction have brought on weekend detention for tardiness is far higher than my quarrels."

"Quarrels? Try all out brawls!"

Relieved that she had sidestepped any major drama with Martha this morning, the pair walked into their first period math class 15 minutes late and were immediately presented with tardy slips.

 _Not a great start to the day,_ Toni thought, _Could have been much worse though._


	2. Science Class

One whole hour of math at 8 o'clock in the morning was not something Toni enjoyed. She would argue that the human brain was not intended to crunch numbers at the this time of the morning had her teacher not been so damn excited about the lesson. He must have been the only person on earth that enjoyed algebra at the ass crack of dawn.

Had this lesson been at any other time of the day she might have been able to pay attention. She liked math actually. And she was good at it. At school in general really. Of course, only her teachers and friends knew that. Most people assumed that she slacked off a lot. That was probably due to the number of days that she is absent due to her home situation, the ill-advised decisions she made, and the amount of fights she got into. In short, she had a reputation that didn't imply high levels of intelligence.

That was all fine by Toni, she didn't really need another reason for people to piss her off and being universally labelled as a teachers pet would almost certainly lead to some bloodied knuckles.

The abrasive ring of the bell was a borderline heavenly sound when it finally sounded, indicating the end of class. The sound following it, however, was decidedly the opposite.

There was actually not a soul of earth that elicited as much annoyance in Toni as Shelby Goodkind.

Whenever Shelby did the morning announcements they were riddled with metaphors from the bible and inspirational quotes from whatever self-help book the girl was obviously reading at the time. Today was no exception.

"Remember, happiness can not come from the world around you; it has to come from within!" Her thick Texan accent gleefully declared through the speakers. Toni stood with her bag, glanced over at Martha and rolled her eyes once she met her gaze. Martha cracked a smile but continued to listen to the tail end of Shelby's cringeworthy self love tangent.

Toni couldn't afford to be late to another class so she waved goodbye to Martha and made her way to her next class. Until lunch Toni didn't have any classes with friends other than some of the girls from basketball. This at least allowed her to pay attention and get some work done.

Her classes went without a hitch until science class just before lunch. She climbed onto the stool next to a girl she had never seen before. She knew immediately that science was going to simultaneously be amazing and awful for the next month or so. It was going to be good because the new girl was extremely beautiful but sitting on the high stools with no back support made her wheeze in pain as she was hunched over her bruises. She tried to straighten up which was worse so she slunk back down again.

The girl sitting beside her noticed her obvious discomfort. "Hey are you alright?"

Toni tried to wipe any evidence of pain from her face and forced a smile. "Training killed me yesterday," She gave a small laugh.

"Training? Let me guess..." the girl paused to think. "Swimming?"

"Basketball actually. I'm out of shape though from-"

"Ms Shalifoe! Would you please stop disrupting the class. Am I going have to move you to a different table?" Toni was interrupted by the science teacher who stopped scribbling on the blackboard to reprimand her.

"No sir, I'm sorry." He grunted at her response and turned around to continue writing his notes.

"I'm Regan," The girl beside me whispered.

"Toni," she replied, waving her hand awkwardly.

"Enough!" A voice boomed through the room and everyone fell silent, even the scratch of pens stopped. Toni cringed, _please don't send me home,_ she thought. "Everyone stand up, from now on you will have allocated seating."

The class groaned but Toni didn't dare do anything that would rile him up further. The teacher started listing off pairings and their tables. Toni zoned out waiting for her name.

"Shalifoe with Goodkind. At the middle left table."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Toni mumbled, shooting a longing look at Regan who smiled sadly before moving to her new table.

_Well there goes the good aspect of this class,_ she thought woefully. Now she was stuck sitting on the painful stools and was desk partners with a girl who was about as exciting as a root canal. 

She dropped her bag on the floor next to her new desk and climbed back up on the stool, gritting her teeth though the pain. Shelby was talking before she was fully seated. "Are you okay?" The question coming from the perky blonde had a completely different effect on Toni compared to Regan. Her blood boiled at the whole injustice of her day and this was really the final nail in the coffin. Of every single person in this class it had to be the girl she loathed that she would have to spend the most time with. She truly was a scapegoat to the universe.

"Shut up and leave me alone," she sneered, dropping her head onto her folded arms. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the other girl flinch slightly. Not another word was spoken between them for the rest of the hour.

By the time science class ended and lunch rolled around Toni had worked herself into a foul mood. She hated when her attention was drawn to how unfair the world really was. Her mood brightened slightly when she saw all of her friends sitting at their lunch table. It was a miracle that they all managed to get the same lunch break this year.

She sat down in her spot next to Martha and Dot. There were 6 of them; 7 if you counted Nora's sister, Rachel, who sometimes joined them. They all had very different personalities but somehow they were all just a perfect match. Nora was a bit of a book worm and not always socially adept, similar to Leah in a way. Fatin was confident in everything she did and had a very carefree attitude. Dot had the most similar personality to Toni, only slightly more laid back. Martha obviously was Toni's best friend and had been ever since she and her family found her at 7 years old, curled up on her own porch step after accidentally giving herself food poisoning. Her biological mom had been gone for weeks chasing a high leaving a young Toni to fend for herself with whatever food was left in the fridge. That was when she entered the system.

"Hey guys," She said with a smile as she sat down and started fishing through her bag for some change.

"Dot, tell Toni about Andrew," Nora said, taking a bite from her sandwich.

"Which Andrew?" Toni muttered, concentrating on the contents of her bag. If she didn't find any money she would have to just call time of death on this day.

"The one dating Shelby," Dot replied.

Toni looked up from what she was doing. "Are you kidding, I don't care about fucking Shelby." She was still riled up from her ruined science lesson.

The group fell silent except for Fatin who whistled, "Who pissed in her cereal today?"

"That would only work if I had eaten," She snapped back and softened her tone realising who she was talking to, "I'm sorry, I'm just hungry. What happened with Andrew?"

Dot continue the story hesitantly, "Well I caught him making out with one of the other girls from Shelby's Christian Students Society."

"Oh damn." Toni raised her eyebrows. "Drama in the Jesus club."

The group laughed, obviously glad that Toni had taken the aggression down a notch. "Why didn't you eat this morning?" Leah asked.

Before Toni could answer, Martha piped up, "She overslept after studying at Dot's."

Fatin wiggled her eyebrows, "Ohh, Dot wear you out huh?"

Toni rolled her eyes; she was not about to humour that theory.

"Also did you bring her coat back?"

She closed her eyes in annoyance of Martha's question. Sometimes Toni wished she would forget some of things she told her but Martha just retains everything she says. She as a much better friend than Toni deserved considering most of the things that she told her were lies.

Toni shot Dot a desperate look which she hoped the other girl would be able to decipher. "Shit, yeah I forgot to bring it." Dot then looked at her with a concerned expression. "Sorry Toni, I'll get it to you tomorrow."

Toni sighed in relief, Dot had covered her. Although now she would have to come up with a lie to tell Dot. What a mess.

"Don't worry about it," She said just as her fingers touched a pile of coins buried deep at the bottom of her bag. "Yes!" She did a little fist pump and held one of the coins above her head like a trophy.

After eating the small amount of lunch her dollar fifty could buy Toni decided it was probably a good idea to see what damage Carol had caused this morning. "I've got to go to the bathroom quickly. I'll catch up with you all at the end of school?"

Everyone confirmed that they would be in their usual spot in the car park after school so Toni dumped her lunch tray and made her way the the restrooms, tapping a beat out of the lockers as she walked.

The stall lock clicked loudly as she locked herself into one of the cubicles. There was no one in the bathrooms anyway but she didn't want to risk someone coming in and seeing the state of her body, however bad it was. She took a deep breath and lifted her hoodie up to expose her abdomen. She looked down and caught a flash of dark blue before a sharp knock of her cubicle door startled her, causing her to look up.

"Hello?" She breathed out, her heart racing from being caught off guard.

"It's Dot. Can I come in?"

"What? No, I'm peeing."

"I can see our feet, unless you've had a secret sex change you are definitely not peeing."

Dot had her there. Why didn't cubicle doors just go all the way to the floor? Toni never understood why it was so important that their feet were exposed while they peed. Did that extra foot of plastic really cost that much?

She opened the door to Dot.

"Okay, so I know you're lying about something you don't want Martha to know," Dot started, "Is it something you can tell me? Something I can help you with? I would never tell anyone anything you don't want me to."

The sentiment was nice but Toni was starting to feel a little cagey; she pushed past Dot out of the stall and started washing her hands. "No honestly, I thought I had left my coat at yours."

"I'm not an idiot. If you don't want to tell me anything just say and I'll help you cover with the girls but don't just lie to my face." Toni could tell that Dot was a bit fed up with her at this point.

She looked at Dot through the mirror, just past her own tired reflection. She wanted to snap at her but something in Dot's expression stopped her. She had always kept any secrets Toni had told her. She also had significant medical knowledge. A tear slipped from her eye which she hastily wiped away before whispering, "Things with Carol are not great."

Dot walked forward and placed both hands on Toni's upper arms, "In what way?"

Toni turned around, "I haven't looked properly myself it just happened this morning. You have to promise not to tell anyone."

Dot detected the seriousness in Toni's tone. "I won't." Toni kept staring at her expectantly until Dot continued, "I promise."

Grabbing the bottom of her hoodie again she exposed her injuries to Dot and to herself in the mirror.

"Fuck, Toni," She heard Dot mutter faintly. It really did not look good. Her whole stomach was blue and red in places. The bruises crawled up her right rib cage. Her left looked okay which makes sense because that was the side she was lying on. She tried to reach for the back of her hoodie to see if any damage had been done to her back but she couldn't twist her body to look.

Dot noticed her struggling and reached behind her to expose her back. Toni couldn't see very much in the mirror.

"There are a few bruises," Dot said breathlessly, "But not many."

Dot's cold fingers poked at a particularly tender bruise on Toni's midriff causing her to suck in a gasp. "Why haven't you got yourself kicked out of this home yet?" She asked.

"Because my next stop is a group home miles away from here. What happens if it's even worse than Carol's; I'll have nothing, no one." She caught Dot's eye and said, as convincingly as she could, "It's only two years, I can survive two years."

Before Dot could reply, the bathroom door flew open.


	3. Home

"What are you two-" A familiar southern accent shouted in distaste, obviously thinking that Dot and Toni were hooking up before taking note of Toni's battered body. "Lord, what happened to you?"

Dot stepped back allowing Toni's hoodie to fall back into place.

Toni stared at Shelby in shock for a moment until she cleared her throat and replied, "A fight at basketball yesterday."

"Not like you to just take a beating," the blonde girl shot back. With sympathetic eyes she stepped forward and reached for the bottom of the other girl's top.

Toni slapped her hand away and leapt back, her hip catching the edge of the sink. "What the fuck are you doing?" She yelped, reeling from the unexpected touch. She quickly regained her composure. "Why are you getting involved, I know you don't care. I saw the way you looked at me and Dot before you realised what was going on. You practically shuddered." Toni was seething at this point. 

"Just because I don't agree with that lifestyle doesn't mean I don't care about-"

Toni scoffed, cutting her off. Every word out of Shelby's mouth was causing her anger to rise more and more. "Don't do me any favours, we're literally strangers. Just forget about this and get off my back!"

Dot stepped in, "Look Shelby just... Don't tell anyone about this."

Toni grabbed her bag and started to walk out of the bathrooms but Shelby stopped her at the door with a hand to her shoulder, "I won't, but should I be worried?"

Toni clenched her teeth and shoved her away. "Maybe if you got your nose out of everyone else's business you would be able to pay a little more attention to that boyfriend of yours because he's starting the find it elsewhere." With that, Toni stormed off.

"What are you talking about?" She heard Shelby shout after them. Dot just turned around, gave her a pitying look and followed after Toni.

_\--------_

Toni couldn't believe the what she had said to Shelby. Or, she could believe it but she seriously regretted it. She was sure if she looked in the mirror right now she wouldn't be able to see her own reflection beyond that of her mothers.

She sat in her final lesson of the day, her cruel words floating around in her mind. She beat herself up until Shelby's words resurfaced in her mind, " _I don't agree with that lifestyle._ " she had said. The memory instantly brought Toni out of her state of self-loathing. Who did Shelby think she was saying that to someone she barely knew? One of the most important people in Toni's life had been Christian, and had about 45 years on Shelby, but never had a bad word to say about her sexuality.

Toni cleared her head of the painful memory of Mrs Conners, now was not the time revisit that grief.

With her actions justified, Toni managed to get through the rest of the day with very few thoughts of a certain blonde haired bigot. Before long the final bell of the day rang. She was equal parts relieved school was over and dreading going home.

She quickly exited her final class and made her way to the locker room to grab the thin jacket which matched her school basketball uniform. The snowfall had lightened throughout the day so Toni was sure that the jacket would keep her warm enough to walk home if no one could offer her a lift. She wrestled the jacket on with very minimal grace and made her way to the carpark.

She pulled her hood over her head and stood under the broken floodlight in front of the library waiting for the others. As she was detangling her earphones she spotted Dot, Fatin, and Martha heading her way.

"Where are the others?" Toni asked once the other three girls were in earshot.

Fatin was the first to speak, "Nora went home with her sister," She paused, eyes glistening in intrigue as she continued, "I think Leah's dating someone."

"Really?" Martha responded, almost too quickly. Toni knew her well enough to detect a hint of jealousy in her tone.

"Yeah she got into a car with someone wearing a Cliffside uniform."

"A private school boy," Dot crooned, clearly excited to badger Leah about this tomorrow. She then glanced down at her robust digital watch. 'Oh shit, I've got to go guys, I forgot Mateo's got a day off so I have to take care of my dad today."

Toni's heart clenched in empathy for the girl. For years she had been her dad's primary care taker. Toni didn't know exactly what his illness was and she had left it too long to ask now. She knew enough though; he was dying. Dot had managed to make enough money through her job as a waitress and a bit of dealing on the side to hire a part time nurse. Toni had only met him once. He was very quiet but, if he was able to take some weight off of Dot's shoulders, that was all that mattered to Toni.

Fatin caught a lift with Dot as her house was on route.

It got much colder as it approached 4pm and it became pretty clear that Carol was not going to be picking Toni up today, this was no surprise as it had been the case for the past few months. She didn't was to put Martha out again though. "Hey, head home," she said when there was a lull in their conversation, "Carol's probably just running late."

"Are you sure?"

"Definitely!" A lie. "She always rocks up eventually." Another lie.

"Okay," Martha said and hesitated, "Text me when you get home."

Toni watched her walk away, get in her car and pull out of the parking lot, skidding on the ice and she peeled off but never slowing down.

Chuckling to herself at her friends terrible driving, she finished detangling her earphones, started her playlist and began her cold walk home.

After about 20 minutes, walking in the cold, paired with the sudden exertion constricted her lungs causing her to take heaving breaths. _Of course,_ Toni thought bitterly, _the basic act of breathing was now agony, as if the below freezing temperatures and dangerously icy sidewalks were not bad enough._

With her music blaring though her earphones, Toni didn't notice that a car had slowed to a crawl beside her until her song ended.

Toni ran both hands through her hair in frustration upon recognising the face that had been annoying present in her life today.

She yanked out her earphones and shouted through the open window, "Leave me alone Shelby."

"I was just-" Shelby cut herself off, shook her head and drove off; obviously deciding Toni was not worth the effort.

Shortly after that, when she was about halfway there, Toni messaged Martha.

**Toni: I'm home**

Almost instantly Martha replied, leading Toni to believe she had been waiting by the phone.

**Marty: Great! I was worried. I think you should talk to Carol about getting a check up. It is not normal to be sick so often**

Toni could have cried at that text. Martha barely knows Carol. In fact, she had never even seen her in person, but she still worried. Toni wondered if she would feel the same if she knew what was really going on with Carol.

**Toni: Not everyone has your impenetrable immune system!**

Martha sent back a string of emojis that Toni decided to decode later. Stuffing her phone back into her pocket, she hunched up against the cold and picked up the pace. Almost eager to get home and defrost her frozen toes.

She forgot why she was so keen to get home when she finally wound up in front of the familiar grey door of her house. She quietly opened the door, pleading to a God she didn't believe in that Carol would be civilised.

Carefully, she crept through the house, hoping that Carol would be asleep so that she could head to her room without having to interact with her foster mom. She poked her head through the doorway of the lounge and spotted Carol out cold in her recliner with the TV remote in one hand and an extinguished cigarette in the other.

Toni smiled to herself and made her way through the house to her bedroom at the end of the hall. She squeezed her eyes shut in dismay and the door squeaked slightly before clicking shut. Forehead against the doorframe she listened for any sign that her foster mom had stirred at the sound. Nearly a minute of silence passed until Toni was able to move away from the door and let out a breath, flopping down on her bed. Her mattress was old and concave in the middle so she instantly was sucked into the centre of the bed.

Despite Carol being a few door away, Toni was finally able to unwind after the day she'd had. She closed her eyes and within moments, was fast asleep.


	4. Catalyst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just another reminder of the content warnings in the tags. This chapter contains hints of sexual assault.

Toni awoke in complete darkness.

She sat bolt upright in a panic as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. Eyes darting around the room she took in the surroundings which were gradually becoming familiar. How people managed to fall asleep in the day and not wake up entirely disoriented was a wonder. It felt like six in the morning but the small digital clock on her bedside told her otherwise; the little red numbers displaying 7:45pm. She switched on her bedroom lamp and rubbed her tired eyes.

Obnoxious, raucous laugher reached her, echoing through the house. _Great, Carol had guests._ This meant one of two things based on past experience; she would either be locked in her room until they left or she would be called out to be at their beck and call. The latter was arguably worse than the former, especially with the amount of homework she had.

Heavy, uneven footsteps pounded down the hallway rapidly approaching Toni's door. Her heart leapt up to her throat and she held her breath. She desperately wished that her door had a lock, but that was not how Carol ran her house. The door swung open, the doorknob cracking against her the wall, probably adding to the massive hole that was there before she arrived.

Toni blindly grabbed for the book on her bedside table and opened it to the middle. Hopefully Carol was drunk enough to think it was a school book and that she was studying. Though, it was very unlikely that schoolwork was going to deter her from using Toni as her personal lackey.

"This isn't the bathroom," a deep, gruff and quite evidently drunk voice said.

Trying to hide her fear Toni replied, "No, it's not." She kept her head buried in the book hoping he would see that she was not interested in any interaction.

"Maybe you could come show me where it is then."

Luck was so rarely on her side.

She glanced up then. The man standing in her doorway could only only be described as greasy. His thin ginger hair was slicked back with what she could only assume was sweat based on the glistening film of grease coating his face. He looked like the male version of Carol, even down to the the wispy hairs above his lip.

Looking at his predatory smile made Toni feel very trapped. She couldn't say that she ever felt safe in this house but she had never felt as defenceless as she did now. So she did the only thing that she thought might erase that feeling.

The man's smile grew, exposing more tainted teeth as she got off of her bed and walked up to him. She clearly had the element of surprise considering the man blatantly thought this was going in a different direction, based on the way his eyes scanned her body.

"Damn," he grunted, "I thought I'd have to convince-"

She cut him off with a swift punch to his jaw.

He collapsed against the doorframe. Toni quickly grabbed her coat and backpack before he had the chance to recover. She pushed past him, breaking into a run as she fled the house, taking the back door to avoid Carol and her disgusting friends.

She ran for a few minutes with her bag in one hand and her coat in the other. Miraculously, she didn't fall over despite the icy pavements. She slowed to a walk once her mind cleared enough to register that Carol was hardly going to chase after her in the dark after a few drinks.

It was still snowing but the impromptu exercise had warmed Toni up. She put her coat on anyway and her hands in her pocket feeling the small ring her mother had left in there back when it was her coat. She was pretty sure that the ring was an engagement ring or a family heirloom. She didn't want to think that the only things left of her family was an old oversized coat and some piece of crap ring. She would rather think she was left with something special.

The ring brought her comfort but it wasn't magic. She had no where to go and was now at risk of being sent away as soon as she showed her face at Carol's again.

She suddenly thought of a foolproof solution to the first issue that would hide the events of her traumatic encounter from her friends while also taking her mind off of the second issue.

She knew just who to text.

**Toni: Where are the parties tonight?**

Fatin was pretty much on her phone all the time so she knew it would only be a matter of moments before she responded.

**Fatin: You know how much I love a party but it is a week day, I have a curfew.**

**Toni: What? Since when?**

**Fatin: Since I bombed my cello recital before summer break.**

Toni was a bit desperate at this point.

**Toni: Sneak out. What are they going to do, check your room?**

**Fatin: Yes. Absolutely. That is what they do.**

Toni sighed, this was clearly a lost cause. She was going to have to go alone. After a moment of wallowing her phone dinged again.

**Fatin: Fine. You've convinced me. Dot is always up for a party if Mateo takes the night shift. Meet at mine, I'll call Marty, Leah and Nora. We're going out!!!**

Her friend's complete inability to turn down a night out made Toni chuckle. Despite her evening she was actually feeling pretty buzzed for a party now. It was, however, a pretty long walk to Fatin's. Fortunately she had already been walking in the right direction.

After a moment of walking her phone started ringing.

"Dot!" She answered having seen the caller id, "You coming?"

"Yeah, Mateo just showed up." There was a long pause. "Has this spontaneous urge to party got something to do with what you told me today?"

"This is why I didn't want to tell anyone!" Toni felt her anger start to slip beyond her control. She managed to reel it back in before upsetting anyone. "Please don't make a thing out of this. I'm just hyped for a party. It's not that deep."

"Alright then!" Dot exclaimed, seemingly moving past the Carol situation. "I'm on my way to your place. I'll pick you up."

"Carry on further though because I've started walking already. Just honk when you see me."

"Alright see you in a few."

It was clear that Dot was trying to be casual about Toni's admission but she could hear suspicion in every one of her friend's sentences. There wasn't much she could do about it though. If Dot was going to worry than she was going to worry.

\--------

"Fuck Dorothy, it's freezing out here." Toni was shivering violently when Dot finally pulled up 20 minutes later.

Dot leant over the passenger seat and opened the door for her. "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise I was a taxi service."

Toni laughed and crawled into the seat. "Well if you were you'd have been on time so you've pretty much sidestepped that assumption."

The car was moving again before Toni had even fully closed the door. Why were all of her friends such reckless drivers?

"I've got something for you. And don't bite my head off for bringing it up." Dot didn't even look over at Toni as brandished a small bag of pills from her coat pocket.

"What is-"

"Oxy." Dot said, cutting Toni off. She took a deep breath and glanced over at Toni. "Look, I know your family has a history. Just, be responsible don't take it unless you desperately need it. If you're actually gonna stay with this psychopath for 2 more years than I've got your back. I wish you'd let me help in a better way but since you won't, this is the best I can offer."

Once Toni was sure Dot's monologue was over she sighed, "You didn't have to-"

"Just take it. Or better yet, don't. With any luck it will sit in the bottom of your junk draw until you move out and you'll never need it. I'm just saying if she breaks another one of your ribs, you've got something."

"I don't think they're broken," Toni replied, but still took the bag out of Dot's hands.

"That's not really the takeaway here. Broken or not you can hardly move."

This was not the conversation she wanted to be having. Just as she opened her mouth to to scold her for lingering on the topic, Dot, knowing her friend very well, continued, "That's it, don't start spiralling. Thats the end of my Carol talk." The car slowed and stopped outside of Fatin's gorgeous house. "Also we're here."

Relieved that the conversation was over, but also thankful for her friend's concern, Toni gave Dot's hand an affectionate squeeze before exiting the car. Just as they had both closed their doors, Fatin came running down her long driveway, heels in hand.

"Let's go party people!" The glamorous brunette squealed.

"Wait I thought we were getting ready at yours?" Toni said, looking down at her own drab attire of old sneakers, jogging bottoms and the hoodie she had worn for the past two days.

"No, not at all. I just said that so I'd have a lift." Fatin gave Dot and Toni a once over. "Dot, you're fine, Toni..." She paused, clearly disgruntled by the other girl's appearance, "Take this and pray that, by the time we get there, everyone is drunk enough to look past everything else." With that, Fatin handed Toni her jacket and swung herself into the passenger seat.

The other two followed suit. "So where to?" Toni asked Fatin. Still having had received no details about the night ahead.

"Andrew's"

"Which Andrew?"

Toni didn't even need to hear the answer to Dot's question. Based on her luck she knew exactly which house they were going to.


	5. The Party

They heard the party before they saw it. It was truly astonishing that the cops hadn't been called out. When they did pull up though it was was clear that Andrew was rich. Like, Fatin's family rich.

Martha, and Leah were waiting outside of Andrew's house, drinks in hand. There were people milling around in the front garden holding bottles and plastic cups. One boy was attempting a handstand, probably in a bid to impress the girl who was holding his beer. She was obviously very drunk because she actually seemed impressed at his flawed gymnastic competence. It was a perfect example of the intoxicated teenage brain.

"Marty!" Toni exclaimed, wrapping her friend up in a tight hug that was more for her than for Martha. "Where's Nora?"

Martha pulled back slightly and gave Toni a brief sceptical look at the seemingly unwarranted affection. "She is helping Rachel study for a test."

"You know that's a lie, right? She hates parties," Fatin jumped in.  
  
If you told Martha that Michael Jackson had been resurrected and was performing at Radio City Music Hall and she would probably still believe you. "What? No!" She retorted.

"Right, you can all continue this riveting conversation," Toni interrupted loudly, gesticulating languidly in their direction. She grabbed one of the plastic cups from Martha's hand and took a big sip. "But I'm going in."

With that, the girls abandoned their debate with a cheer and made their way into the packed house.

The music was loud from the outside, but from the inside, it was deafening. This was definitely not a party that encouraged conversation. That worked perfectly for Toni. She downed the drink in her hand, which she identified as beer, and made her way to the kitchen to get another. The shorter period of time she spent sober this evening, the better.

\--------

It took her a few hours but Toni had finally reached a level of inebriation that ensured she wouldn't remember the evening. In addition, she was drunk enough that she could dance without pain.

After downing a shot of God knows what, Toni ran towards towards the only person she recognised within her view. She grasped Fatin's hands, swinging them to and fro in an incredibly uncoordinated manner.

"Wow," Fatin exclaimed, drawing the word out. "You are very drunk."

"I am n-." Toni stepped back an attempted to collect her very jumbled thoughts. "Okay just a little. Dance with me!" she moaned.

"Toni, it's nearly 2, I've got to head back soon and I'm sure the other girls do too."

Toni pouted her lips. "You're no fun," She whined. _How boring,_ she thought as she stumbled away to find a new dance partner

She stumbled right into the arms of someone familiar that Toni couldn't quite place.

"Hey, are you okay?" The girl said, holding Toni's full body weight.

"M' good," Toni mumbled, reaching for the mystery girl's cup. "What is this? Vodka?" She didn't wait for an answer before tipping the cup and swallowing the strong beverage. It was not only strong, it was in fact a shot of straight tequila.

The girl snatched the cup back a little too late. "Ohhh Toni, you're going to regret that in the morning." Toni could hardly meet the other girls eyes as she spoke, "Come with me, lets get you some water."

"Nooo!" Toni shouted almost desperately. "I wanna..." She trailed off, unable to voice her thought.  
  
With a light slap to the cheek the other girl queried, "You want to what?"

"Dance," Toni groaned, hardly able to remain conscious but still rocking in place as a poor attempt at said dancing. "Who are you?" she asked glaring at the blonde girl's blurry face.

"Okay," The blonde girl laughed, getting a better grip on the drunk girl in an attempt to keep her upright. "Let's find you a room; hopefully no one is occupying the spare bedroom."

At that, Toni smirked at looked up at the other girl, "Oh, you taking me to bed then?"

Suddenly a male voice interrupted their conversation, "Shelbs, babe! what are you doing with that basketball girl? Come dance!"

Shelby? She was flirting with Shelby Goodkind? The realisation hardly mattered to Toni; she was too drunk to even care. Above all, she was mostly annoyed at the interruption of her flirting. On second thought, all she really wanted was to sleep at this point.

"Just a minute Andrew!" She was drawn out of her thoughts at the sound of Shelby shouting back to her cheating boyfriend. Toni felt Shelby's eyes on her, "Come with me, alright?"

Toni initially attempted to walk but eventually gave in to being dragged up the stairs. All the while Shelby was rambling on about something to do with pageants but Toni absorbed hardly any of it.

Eventually, the two girls made their way into a room which was unexpectedly, yet, thankfully empty.

Toni was enjoying the drunken tingling feeling flowing through her body until now, The pleasant hum of intoxication under her skin rapidly turned to nausea once she distanced herself from the loud music and ever-present alcohol. "Wait, wait wait," She stuttered, groaning the last word.

Shelby pulled back, almost dropping Toni as she loosened her grip. "What is it?" Toni gagged slightly. "Oh, oh, okay. You're okay." A small amount of panic was evident in Shelby's voice as she made a U-Turn and dragged Toni to the bathroom.

As they rounded the corner to the bathroom, Fatin appeared at the top of he stairs. "What are you doing Goodkind?" She blurted a bit aggressively.

In the short moment that Shelby stopped to listen to Fatin, Toni was overtaken by her nausea and threw up on the quality hardwood floor. "I'm so sorry," she managed to breathe between retches. Shelby gave her a very awkward pat on the back before Fatin swapped in, brushing her hair with her fingers and whispering comforting words in her ear.

A conversation took place that Toni almost completely missed in her drunkenness and nausea. Whatever it was, it lead to Fatin giving her a goodbye kiss on the forehead and Shelby guiding her to the bathroom to rinse her mouth and before directing her back to the spare bedroom.

Once in the bedroom, Toni mindlessly began her nighttime routine by stripping off. "Toni, Toni, stop!" Shelby shouted, just preventing Toni from of taking off her pants. She had already, however, taken off her top; exposing her abs, and, in her current situation, most notably, her injuries. She didn't care though. All she wanted was to be asleep.  
  
"Dear Lord, this is too much." Toni was sure the blonde girl was praying but she couldn't be certain. "What happened to you?" She could feel warm fingertips softly tracing her bruises. It felt nice. She fell back onto the double bed behind her. Not bothering to get underneath the covers. She only then recognised how drunk she was and felt a bit embarrassed about needing to be put to bed.

"It's okay," she heard Shelby say, as though she was reading her mind. She took off Toni's shoes and helped her under the covers. "I'm right next door okay I'm staying with Andrew tonight. I know you won't remember any of this tomorrow but I'm here for you. I don't hate you."

Toni felt Shelby's hand squeeze her own before the contact ceased and the gentle thump of the door closing indicated that Shelby was gone.

Toni only had one more thought before drifting off to sleep, _I am gonna be so hungover tomorrow._


	6. Regan

It was immediately clear that Toni was not at home based on the following three factors: She felt as though she was lying on a cloud, there was no tv in the background, and there was someone in bed with her.

She would have loved to enjoy these three things but she felt awful. Not only her mouth, but her entire body felt like the Sahara, completely void of any hydration, yet she was still sweating. In addition, her mouth tasted like sick, which did not help her roiling stomach, and her head felt like it was splitting down the middle.

What a way to waste a morning of potential comfort.

She fished her phone out of her pocket, which she had been lying on rather uncomfortably all night. _7:35,_ the little clock glared at her, the bright screen making her eyes water.

"Fuckkkk," Toni moaned, holding her head and sinking back under the covers.

"Good morning." She startled at the low voice that grumbled from beside her, forgetting about her unidentified bed partner.

Seeing her face, Toni immediately recognised the girl. It was beautiful Regan that she had met in science class. She was a little less concerned about the situation; there were worse people to wake up next to. So they must have slept together, right? She wished she remembered it. She decided to double check. "Did we...." She trailed off suddenly embarrassed that she might have been presumptuous.

Regan gave a small smirk, "Do you wish we had?"

A lightning bolt of pain jolted through her brain, reverberating through the rest of her body making her close her eyes for a moment. "I'm sorry Regan, If I felt about 75 percent better than I do now, I would love this game," Toni groaned, "But I really can't be assed this morning."

"No we didn't sleep together. I actually didn't even realise there was another person in this bed until this morning. How do you not suffocate completely under the covers like that?"

"I dunno... I'm a burrower I guess." _What a weird thing to say Toni, what the fuck?_

Luckily Regan gave a small chuckle making Toni feel like a bit less of a dork. With that confirmation, Toni very slowly slithered out of bed, nearly falling to the floor due to her lack of effort. Her mouth felt as though it hadn't produced saliva all night.

Regan arm flew out to grab her hand. "Where are you going?"

"I am gonna pass out if I don't get some water." She took in her surroundings for a moment. "Who's house are we in?"

Regan looked taken aback. "Wow... You must have been hammered." Toni looked at her expectantly. "Oh, right. You're at Andrew's. I actually think a certain homophobic, texan pageant queen put you to bed which was an amusing event to witness."

Toni dropped her head into her hands and shook her head in a misguided attempt to clear her brain of that humiliating statement. "Okay," she practically whimpered, and walked out in search of the kitchen.

Compared to the room reminiscent of a hotel that she had just stepped out of, the rest of a house resembled the sight of a bombing. Plastic cups littered the kitchen and dining room floor. She regretted her decision not to put her shoes back on and she attempted to avoid the minefield of sticky and wet patches on the floor.

She found what she desperately hoped was a clean cup, filled it with tap water and drained it. This was a very poor decision considering her raging hangover. The water immediately started coming back up so she rushed to the bathroom. On the way, just by the landing, she had a flashback of being sick there but someone had cleaned it up. Another thing the flashback revealed was that it was definitely Shelby Goodkind that had babysat her last night.

There was not time to dwell on that unfortunate circumstance now though. She raced to the bathroom, her cup of water rising in her throat. 

"Shelby! Who is vomiting in my bathroom?" A male voice yelled from just outside the bathroom door.

Toni panted above the bowl, trying to quell her nausea in light of the very angry teenager on the other side of the door.

Footsteps came racing towards the door, but Toni couldn't even look up when she heard the door softly open and close again.   
  
"Feeling a bit delicate today then?" An increasingly familiar southern voice drawled.

Toni couldn't even humour her with a response. She was too busy thinking that she was somehow going to have to drag herself to school today. At the very best she was still definitely not going to be on time.

She felt a hand on her back causing her to flinch from both pain and surprise. "I'm sorry for mocking you, are you okay?"

Toni rolled her eyes. "Obviously," She snapped sarcastically with an untimely gag.

The hand rubbed her back again. Toni reached around and slapped it away. "Fuck off Shelby."

"You're in MY boyfriends house!" Shelby huffed and continued stuttering in anger through her sentence, "Not to mention, I have been good to you even though you vomited on the floor, a- and the the bathroom just now. And don't think I didn't notice you sleeping in the bed with another girl. This is a Christian household Toni! Do you realise how disrespectful that is?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Toni snarled as she stood up to wash out her mouth. "Sorry that the Christian household that just hosted a party for underage teenagers does not accept platonically, and unknowingly sleeping in the same bed as another drunk girl."

"Toni-" Shelby tried to interrupt but Toni wasn't done.

"I did not ask you to look after me last night, I've done it for myself my whole life. Also your whole homophobia thing? I would turn that down a notch if I were you, people are gonna think you're overcompensating." She knew Shelby could never be gay but she fully enjoyed watching the blonde girl's skin crawl at the insinuation.

The rage was bubbling up, and Toni was fully prepared for a fight, she could take Shelby. She could not, however, take Andrew. At least not in the state she was in. So she took a few deep breaths and started washing her teeth with her finger and some toothpaste she found by the sink.

Through the mirror Toni could see Shelby's thoughts racing a mile a minute. She looked on the verge of saying something but words never exited her mouth; she just stood there, shell-shocked.

"Better get ready for school..." Toni glanced over her shoulder, 'What's for breakfast?"

Shelby finally found her words. "Leave. You're so- I hate- Argh! You're infuriating! Please, just leave." She turned on her heel and stalked out of the bathroom leaving Toni with a mouthful of toothpaste and a smirk plastered onto her face. _Toni - 1, Shelby - 0._

\--------

Toni and Regan were set to be about an hour late once Toni located her bag and got dressed back up in the previous night's clothes. Regan didn't bring anything to the party so she was ready to leave in minutes. The pair managed to steal some cereal bars and sneak out of the house without encountering Andrew or Shelby again.

After eating Toni felt much better. Not fantastic, but well enough to take on the school day without passing out. It was ice cold outside so it was almost euphoric when Regan whipped out a set of car keys and offered her a ride. The designer coat that Fatin had lent her was not at all weather proof. Completely useless really.

Once they were in the car with the heating cranked all the way up. She took out her phone to check her messages.

There were a series of drunken texts making sure she was okay with Shelby from the night before. She couldn't quite piece together why she stayed at Andrew's when she had a designated driver. Why had they gone home without her? She carried on scrolling and found a message from Fatin that answered that question.

**Fatin: Shelby offered to keep you for the night, Dot didn't want you being sick in her car. Hope you made it through the night, am suddenly doubting my decision to leave you with a girl who quotes Leviticus...**

There was another text send a few minutes after the first one.

**Fatin: Please text and tell me you're okay.  
  
** Apparently Toni had responded which seemed unlikely. So she read the message.

**Toni: Hi! It's Shelby, Toni is fine. She is asleep don't worry I'm not performing an exorcism.**

Underneath that was a picture of Toni curled up under the covers, out cold. She was equal parts annoyed that Shelby had used her phone, and embarrassed that she had been photographed in a drunken coma. With a frustrated grunt, Toni clicked her phone off and dropped into her lap dramatically.  
  
"Everything okay?" Somehow, in all of her hating and thinking about Shelby, Toni had completely forgotten about the beautiful girl driving her to school who obviously liked her.

"Yeah, I just-" Toni picked up her phone again and opened it up to the picture of her sleeping, tilting the screen so Regan could see it without crashing the car.

The other girl laughed before looking back at the road, "You look cute!"

Toni blushed and squirmed in her seat, never good at taking compliments. Her abdomen clenched in pain at the movement which suddenly stirred a memory, " _I know you won't remember any of this tomorrow but I'm here for you. I don't hate you."_

It turns out that Shelby was probably one of the most confusing people Toni had ever met.


	7. The Microscope

Toni really tried but by the end of the school day, Shelby was grating her last nerve. After the memory of Shelby's kindness at the party, Toni convinced herself that the girl could be tolerable as long as Toni didn't instigate. Boy was she wrong.

It all really started in her science period where she had been paired with Shelby the previous day. Toni had had almost been looking forward to the lesson. Not because she was eager to seeing the other girl, but because she really just wanted the see what would happen. Expecting some change in their usual unsavoury dynamic. She didn't know why though, they had fought that morning with Shelby fully aware of her behaviour last night. Toni thought that maybe she was the problem, so she decided to take a friendlier approach than the morning.

She felt incredibly awkward as she took her seat next to Shelby, who, unlike Toni, looked put together and was dressed in clothes that she hadn't worn for the past two days. Toni decided that was a good place to start, "You look nice today," she whispered, cringing immediately after the words exited her mouth. It sounded like she was hitting on the blonde girl.

The compliment earned Toni an appalled glare but nothing else. Okay, in fairness she kind of deserved that. Her attempt at being a decent human being was off to a sour start.

The teacher at the front of the class rattled on for a few minutes, Toni taking notes before making another attempt with her frosty desk partner. "So, last night was pretty wild." She bit her lip and waited for a response.

"You embarrassed yourself last night." Shelby didn't stop taking notes as she replied.

With a huff Toni angrily turned the page of her text book. So maybe it wasn't Toni's bad attitude that set off Shelby. It was just Shelby being a boring bigot. It didn't explain Shelby's kindness from the previous night though. At this point Toni was getting too pissed off to care. She spun her pen in her hand, contemplating her next move.

She decided to give it one last chance. She leant over and whispered sincerely, "Spending the night with the boyfriend, things must be getting pretty serious."

Shelby's pencil stopped scratching along the paper as her hand stilled. Finally, a reaction. Not a positive one though, Toni realised as Shelby turned to face her. "My relationship is none of your business. Also, you smell."

Never mind, apparently the Shelby from last night was a drunken mirage. Toni wasn't going to play nice for no reason anymore.

Running her hand through her hair with a smirk Toni shot back, "Well, I worked up a sweat last night."

"Wait, you said that you didn't..." Shelby looked mortified.

"So gullible. That's probably how Andrew gets away with all his sleeping around."

It was many steps too far. Toni knew that even before Shelby ran out of the class without warning. Everyone watched her as she fled. Toni tried to sink into her chair as the teacher caught her eye.

"I know that this is your doing Miss Shalifoe. Frankly this doesn't surprise me; your behaviour so far this year has been unacceptable. Go find her and meet with the principal at the end of the day. I'm sure your parents are going to love meeting with you and Principal Evans this afternoon."

_My parents?_ A wave of panic soared through her body causing her to outwardly shudder slightly. That meant that Carol was going to get a call. Just another thing to add to the list of reasons for Carol to beat the shit out of her.

What she did next was not any source of pride for her. In a fit of anxiety, frustration and anger, Toni balled her fists, about ready to deck the sarcastic, self righteous teacher. Luckily she executed a small amount of common sense and redirected her anger. Unfortunately she redirected it to one of the most expensive things in the room as she swept everything off of her table. Including a sophisticated scientific microscope.

The therapist that her old foster parent Mrs Conners made her see when she was 14 would have said she was slipping into old 'self-destructive patterns.' Toni would probably have to agree considering the carnage before her. She didn't look properly, but she did hear a lot of glass shattering.

Despite her shakiness and the fear coursing through her veins, Toni managed to hold back angry, terrified tears as she directed her gaze to her now seething science teacher. "Of course Mr Winters." With that, she took a page out of Shelby's book and fled the scene.

It wasn't that Toni didn't think about the consequences of her actions. She just didn't have time to think about them before she did whatever anger-fuelled, impulsive thing that popped into her head. It was only in times like these, after she had blown up, that the weight of her actions really hit. Only then did her brain catch up with her body to actually think about consequences. And there were a lot of them.

Toni left the classroom running but after the adrenaline from her eruption wore off, that became too painful. Wheezing, she made her way to the locker room. She didn't bother looking for Shelby, if anyone asked she would just say that she couldn't find her. Right now she needed a shower and the spare clothes that she kept in the locker room in case of emergencies. As Shelby had so kindly pointed out, her hygiene had reached emergency status.

After showering and changing, her lunch break had just about finished so she went straight to her next class. Throughout the rest of the day she could hardly focus. She could only dread her meeting with Carol and the Principal.

\--------

By the time 4 o'clock rolled around Toni was shaking uncontrollably. A girl she had never met before in her final period even offered her a jacket. She tried to talk herself down and convince herself that it wasn't going to be as bad as she thought. But then she really thought about the things Carol could be pissed at her for. Punching her friend and running away, Being called to meet with the Principal, Breaking school equipment, and existing. And those were only the main four.

Toni was the first there and she took a seat opposite to Principal Evans. "Sorry," Toni said after a few minutes, "She isn't a very punctual person." He simply nodded and the pair sat in uncomfortable silence before a very haggard Carol burst through the door. Her body language was calm and she was polite to the Principal but there was a fire in her eyes that Toni instantly recognised.

"So, Toni's been with you for 5 months now?" Principal Evans flipped through some papers. "How is that going?"

Carol already looked fed up with the meeting. "She can be very unruly. It has taken a great deal of discipline to get her to behave even this well." _Discipline is one word for it,_ Toni thought bitterly, her ribs twinging at the memory.

The stoic man nodded before continuing, "Have you considered a group home? It says here that that is the next best option for Miss Shalifoe."

Toni's heart-rate picked up. "Is this relevant?" She blurted without thinking.

"Sadly it is. Misbehaviour at school is often linked to misbehaviour at home. It is important to know whether your additional behavioural needs are being met at your current home."

Carol looked a bit personally attacked and interjected, "Toni is manageable at home. If anything unacceptable were to happen I would not hesitate to call social services and have her transferred."

The conversation went on in that same vein, Toni was hardly able to listen because she now knew everything she needed to know. Carol would send her away the second she takes anything too far. The good news was, for now, Carol didn't seem to think she had taken anything too far. The bad news was the probably horrific punishment she was going have to endure.

When the meeting ended, Carol and Toni walked to the car in total silence. As Toni reached for the door handle Carol slammed her hand onto the roof of the car, making Toni jump. "No. You can walk." She watched as her foster mom got into her flashy four wheel drive and took off, leaving the younger girl standing in the cloud of fumes.

She walked home without music and without thoughts. Her mind was completely blank, almost in a state of dissociation after the day she'd had. She almost walked straight past her house. Defeated, she didn't even hesitate or mentally prepare before walking in.

Carol, remarkably, was not waiting at the door with a baseball bat as Toni had half expected; but was sitting in the lounge watching TV. Toni slowly approached. "Carol, look, I am so sorry-"

"Please, Toni, just shut up and get out of my face. I'll deal with you later."

Shellshocked, Toni couldn't believe her luck. She stood there, staring at Carol completely dumbstruck. Suddenly terrified that Carol would change her mind if she just stood there, she quickly jumped into action and raced to her room. Finally a night with just her homework. No raging Carol, no beautiful Regan, no flighty homophobe, and no drama.

Firstly, she brought up google on her phone and started looking for jobs. That microscope was not going to pay for itself. As she was on her phone a text drew her eyes to the top of the screen.

**Basketball Girls - Betty: Toni, did you see the email? You're off the team**

**Basketball Girls - Issie: Damn that's bad luck, what did you do?**

**Basketball Girls - Isla: Man I'm sorry Toni, What are you gonna do, we need you!**

_What am I gonna do?_ Good fucking question.


	8. Straight A's

"This is bullshit. I would do literally anything to get back on the team. Surely there is some way." Toni was furious but did not think that lashing out would help her case.

She had decided to wait a week before talking to her basketball coach about being kicked off the team, giving the events of the past few days a minute to blow over. Honestly, she had been waiting for the inevitable fallout from Carol but nothing happened. In fact, things were good at home. They weren't braiding each others hair but she wasn't in significant fear for her life.

Coach Peterson raised her eyebrows at Toni's plea. "Look, Toni, you are a good player. A great player. The team will suffer without you but from what Principal Evans told me, you need to clean up your act."

"But this is your team, so it's your decision, right?"

"Partly, yeah. I agree with him. By the sounds of it, you're acting like how you were when you first joined the team. It's not..." The coach sighed, "You're too old for this nonsense now. You were too old to throw your piss at competitors in Freshman year; you're a junior now-"

Toni interrupted defensively, "I would never- I- That was a mistake, I was stupid-"

"You are completely missing the point Toni." Coach Peterson stood up at her desk, towering over the other still seated girl. Toni felt the urge to stand but resisted, she would have a better chance if she stayed subordinate. "I don't think you're going to do that again, but you are a loose cannon at the moment. It is kind of similar to how acted when Mrs Conners died-" The coach immediately cut herself off and sat down, sensing that she had overstepped.

"Don't talk about-" Toni began to snap but sighed and started again, "I swear it's not like that. I'm different; I just lost my temper that once. Everything is great at home. Please just give me another chance."She paused to look her coach in the eye and whispered desperately, "I need this."

Coach Peterson sighed, "Okay." A smile started to spread across Toni's face but her Coach raised her hand. "You are not off the hook though. You have to prove yourself. Principal Evans says your grades are dropping in science. What science elective are you taking this year?"

"Physics, but-"

"Great, if you can show me a set of straight A's in Physics before Christmas then you're back on the team."

"Coach, that's crazy, at least make it B's or something."

Coach Peterson stood and opened the door, ready to show Toni out and said, "That would be way too easy for you Toni."

\--------

It was not ideal but at least she had a way back onto the team. This meant that she would have to suffer just under 2 months without basketball, which in turn meant more time spend at Carol's instead of after school practice. Unless she didn't tell Carol. That would give her around 2 whole hours of free time without Carol freaking out about where she was. This could actually work in her favour; if she played her cards right.

Despite feeling pretty good about the situation, Toni was surprised to hear that her grades were dropping. She had no idea. And why just that class?

The rest of the day went on without drama. Science with Shelby was the same as it had been for the past week. Passive aggressive energy came off the blonde girl in waves. She practically rolled her eyes every time Toni breathed. Toni just had to clench her jaw and sit through the aggravated production that the Shelby was putting on beside her for the sake of being accepted back onto the team.

The bell finally rang with Mr Winters rattling off the homework. Toni listened intently while everyone else practically ran out of the room. As she left, a hand touched her waist. She flinched but played it off as surprise when she turned to see Regan.

"Hey, too bad we weren't paired together for this class," she said awkwardly, looking guilty for startling Toni.

"You're telling me, I think my desk partner would be pretty pleased if I drank from one of the test tubes left over from chemistry class," Toni joked.

"I could actually sense that from were I sat. Any idea what crawled up her ass?"

Toni remembered her cruel words about Andrew from last week. Whatever, she deserved it. She refused to feel guilty for it. That being said, she wasn't proud.

"Not a clue, probably that shitty boyfriend of hers."

"Toni!" Regan laughed.

Toni blushed fiercely. "Not like that! God, get your mind out of the gutter." She opted to change the subject. "Do you have this lunch period?"

They reached the cafeteria. "No, I don't. But wait, give me your number, lets hang out one of these days after school."

When she handed her phone over Regan whistled, "Damn, someone named Carol seems pretty pissed at you."

Toni's heart sank. She snatched the phone back and barked, "What are- Why did you read that?"

Regan looked taken aback. "I'm sorry it just came up on the screen when I was putting my number in. Is something wrong?"

Toni read the text before answering.

**Carol: Time to have serious words about last week. Home straight after school. No 'studying' with friends tonight.**

Luckily for Toni, the second half of the message did not fit in the notification box so Regan didn't see that. She pushed down her terror and saw that the girl before her looked distraught. She had shouted at this amazing girl. Caused her the same kind of hurt that she had experienced her whole life.

"Regan..." Toni trailed off, trying to find the words. "I'm so sorry for biting your head off. I'm a super private person and I just- I didn't react right." It was a weak apology but it was the best she could do with thoughts of Carol's message floating through her mind, taking up too much space in her head.

Regan cleared her throat, "Yeah sure, it's okay." She sucked her teeth and looked anywhere but in Toni's eyes. "I better get to class then. See you around."

"I'm sorry. See you-" Toni started but Regan was already gone. "Tomorrow," She whispered.

Her friends were clearly worried about her. She sat at the table while her friends chatted, lost in thought until she registered someone tapping her shoulder from behind. It was Regan. "Hey, aren't you meant to be in class right now?"

The other girl tucked her hair behind her ear. "Yeah but it's just Spanish, I already speak the language." She looked around at all of Toni's friends listening intently to the conversation. "Can we speak privately somewhere?"

Toni heard Fatin give a small whoop. Ignoring her obnoxious friend she got up and led Regan away from the table. "Have fun girl." She heard one of the girls chuckle behind her back.

They made their way to an empty classroom. As soon as the door closed behind them Toni started talking. More like rambling, "Regan, I'm so sorry I was such a dick. I hope I haven't fucked this up with you. I really like you; I'm so messed up, my life is just crazy at the moment and-"

Toni was suddenly cut off when Regan surged forward and kissed her. Before Toni could even close her eyes and reciprocate the other girl pulled away her fleeting confidence turning into insecurity. "Whats wrong?" Toni asked.

"Nothing, I just really like you too." Regan replied, smiling slightly before leaning forward to press her lips against Toni's again.

Relieved that the girl didn't pull away this time, Toni moved one hand to Regan's waist and the other to her face, deepening the kiss. For that moment Toni let herself believe that her life was one where scandalous classroom rendezvous, movie dates and meeting the parents were a possibility. 


	9. Puppy Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just letting you know that from now on that abuse trigger warning is pretty important.

Toni and Regan bunked off their last three classes and hung out together until the final bell. Even between the mindless chatting, joking and making out, Toni couldn't fully enjoy it with the memory of Carol's message lingering in her mind.

It's funny how when you are really excited for something time goes by so slow but when you are dreading something the minutes fly by at the speed of seconds. Every minute that passed Toni became more and more distant. She hoped Regan didn't think it had anything to do with her. Better yet, she hoped Regan didn't notice at all.

She was in the midst of drawing a sharpie tattoo on Regan's forearm when the bell sounded, making her jump. Her artistic masterpiece was marred by a large black line running directly thought the love heart as though it was crossing it out.

Regan laughed at the ruined image and at Toni's pouting face. "Well that's a bad sign."

Clicking the lid back on her sharpie with a chuckle, Toni stood up and extended her hands to help Regan up from her position on the floor. Regan grabbed them but didn't stand up. "Don't break my heart Shalifoe." She said it jokingly but Toni detected a small amount of seriousness in her tone.

There were too many heavy things on Toni's mind to make promises she wasn't sure she could keep. She knew she could never break Regan's heart on purpose, but the side of herself that she couldn't control had hurt people before. Shelby sprung to her mind in that moment. She shook her head, first at herself to clear her mind of Shelby and then at Regan.

"Never on purpose. You can hold me to that." She plastered a smile on her face and pulled Regan up to eye level. Putting on a posh English accent she joked, "Also, my art was not made to be analysed, so please refrain from allegory."

The comment drew a laugh out of the other girl, "Alright Constable, what is it for then?"

Toni looked her up and down, and smirked, "To cover up that funky mole on your arm."

"See, 30 seconds in and you've already broken your promise." Regan shoved her playfully. "Heartbreaker."

"I don't appreciate being labelled," Toni quipped back.

Regan simply rolled her eyes in response, trying to hold back a smile. "Do you want a lift back home?"

There were pros and cons to this decision. If she rode with Regan, she would be earlier back home and maybe Carol would be less mad. On the other had if Carol saw her in someone else's car it could make it much worse. She decided on the option that would give her the best of both situations. "Yeah, Actually. That would be great."

"Okay! Where do you live?" she said, spinning her car keys around her finger.

"I'll direct you. Its not too far."

\--------

"Yeah, if you could just pull over here," Toni mumbled, directing Regan to the grass on the side of the road.

"You live..." Regan looked around as she pulled the car over, "In a corner shop?"

With a laugh Toni clarified, "No, my foster mom, Carol, is just really strict about like, dating and stuff. I live just down this road."

"Is this just a really roundabout way of saying you're not out to your-" Regan stopped abruptly, "Wait, foster mom?"

"Nah, can you imagine? Me, closeted?" She attempted to unbuckle the belt but she couldn't press the button down properly.

The other girl noticed her struggle and reached over to undo it for her. "Sorry, it's a really old car, there's a method."

Toni laughed but was grateful to be free of the restricting waistband. "Also, it's a long story but yeah, I've been in the system for years."

Regan nodded sympathetically and said, "Well, good luck with Carol." Toni shuddered slightly at the thought of what's to come. "I'll text you tonight."

"Don't worry, she's all bark no bite." With her first real lie of their relationship, Toni exited the car and began the short walk to Carol's house. Dread reverberating through her with every step she took.

The door opened before she had even climbed the two porch steps. "Oh, look who finally rocked up, I expected you an hour ago," Carol growled from the doorway.

"I'm sorry, school wasn't even finished an hour ago though-"

"Don't talk back to me. Get inside."

Toni stepped inside. A sharp slap to the face came simultaneous to the door slamming shut. _Shit._

Carol reeked of cigarettes and wine. _Great,_ Toni thought, _she's wine drunk._ For someone with experience of dependent drinkers, Toni was well aware that wine drunk was always so much worse than any other type of drunkenness. She found it made them more emotional. And when their predominant emotion was anger, such as with Carol, it did not bode well for Toni.

There was a thud as Carol stumbled back and ran into the dining room table. Hopefully she was too drunk to do any damage, but Toni didn't bank on that.

"Do you have any idea, how much you embarrassed me the other night?" The intoxicated woman grabbed Toni by the collar of her jacket. "Eric has huge bruise on his face. He is terrified to come back. I'd have a mind to send you away."

Toni gulped.

"But then I got to thinking," Carol let go of Toni and paused her speech to light another cigarette. After blowing the smoke directly into Toni's face, she carried on, "Your principal was talking about your next stop being a group home. So you've been kicked out of a bunch of houses right?"

Carol took a drag of her cigarette. Toni's heart dropped at the direction of the conversation but stayed silent, waiting for Carol to finish her point.

Carol hit her up the back of the head. "Right? Answer me when I talk to you."

"Yeah, yes; seven before you."

She stumbled to the ground as Carol pushed her away. Her body still sore from last week's incident.

"Rude girl. Okay so I thought, 'why is she still here?' Then it hit me." Carol stared down as Toni's defenceless form on the floor. "You're more scared of where you will be going next than you are of me."

_I am really fucked now. If she was holding back before thinking I was going to leave her, what is she going to be like now that she knows I won't?_ Toni stayed where she was, collapsed on the floor and looked up at the woman standing above her. The unhinged, pathetic, wretched woman that now had complete control over Toni's life.

The first kick went straight to her jaw.

\--------

Toni had never felt so spineless in her life. She hated this whole situation for so many reasons but the powerless, pitiful feeling that she felt after just letting herself get beaten was probably the worst part. She could cope with the pain, but the emotional damage was starting to take a toll.

Carol had ran out of energy about 2 hours ago and Toni had retreated to her room where she tended to her injuries. There was a long cut on her arm from God knows what, her torso was sore but not nearly as bad as last time, there was a gash above her eyebrow and a rapidly blossoming bruise on her jawline. The last two were going to be the most troublesome in terms of covering up. She was lucky that it was the weekend now so she had time to figure out an excuse for it or practice her makeup skills, which, due to this kind of thing happening fairly often, were pretty good.

Her phone buzzed on her nightstand. Putting down the physics textbook, she picked up the phone to see a text message from Regan. She smiled involuntarily seeing her name on her phone screen.

**Regan: Hey! How did it go? I hope she wasn't too angry.**

**Regan: What are you up to tomorrow?**

She started typing out a response when an email popped onto her screen. She opened the notification. It was an email from Mr. Winters detailing the first assignment for science. Toni decided to read it later and responded to Regan.

**Toni: It wasn't too bad, she was just going off about my thing in science.**

Toni sent the message but suddenly regretted bringing up her meltdown in science class. She had forgotten that Regan had been there as well. She hoped she didn't judge her too harshly. Toni searched through her sparse makeup drawer before replying to her second message. It seemed like she had enough to cover up the marks on her face. She would have to buy more tomorrow though.

**Toni: I am hopefully seeing you tomorrow.**

She held her breath.

**Regan: I'll pick you up at the corner store tomorrow afternoon then :).**

**Toni: Can't wait.**

She really couldn't have sounded less cool than she did whenever she opened her mouth around Regan.

'Seen' appeared under her last text message but Regan didn't respond. Toni immediately started to feel a bit insecure so she distracted herself by bringing up Mr. Winter's email. She read the first few lines and chucked her phone to the end of her bed.

A group project. With her desk partner.

Shelby Goodkind was 50% responsible for whether or not she got accepted back onto the basketball team. 


	10. Christian Household

It was about ten minutes before Toni had to go meet Regan at the corner store. Carol was still in bed, so there was no risk of her interfering, and her makeup nearly covered every cut and bruise. Martha had called about 20 minutes ago to ask about what was going on with Regan and they chatted while she got ready.

Martha’s excited voice blared through her phone’s speakers, “So how long has this been going on?”

Toni dabbed a little more concealer onto her jaw and responded, “Well we met like, a week ago? But I don’t know we just kissed yesterday.”

“So I see you’re taking it slow,” the other girl joked, laughing.

“Martha! It was a heat of the moment thing. Plus she’s really cool and I really like her.”

“I want what you two have.” There was a longing tone in Martha’s voice.

Toni sighed, “Like you said Martha, it’s so new.”

“Don’t diminish this because you pity my singleness. Singlehood? Is that a word?”

Laughing Toni responded, “Well don’t rush in to anything you could end up with someone like Andrew. Or even worse, someone like Shelby.”

“Come on Toni, she isn’t that bad.”

“We’ll see, because guess who I’m partnered with for my Physics project?”

“No way. Shelby? Does you teacher want you both in a coffin by the end of the year?”

“I honestly think he’s banking on it.” Toni played with the bedroom lights and lamps to make sure that none of her injuries were visible in any lighting under the make-up. “Marty, I gotta go. Don’t tell the other girls about Regan. I don’t want to make it a big thing yet just in case it blows up in my face.”

“You’re a real Debbie downer Toni, anyone ever tell you that?”

“You do. Constantly,” Toni chuckled, “I’m just realistic. Call you later!”

She heard Martha’s laughter over the line as she hung up the phone.

With a quick look in the mirror Toni tried to tame her curly hair but decided to leave it as is. She didn’t want to be late. She wished that she could climb through her window but the hinges were so rusted that it didn’t open all the way. Luckily she was light on her feet and was pretty skilled at walking through a house undetected.

The door shut with a quiet click as she stealthily tiptoed through the hallway and out the back door as it was further away from Carol’s bedroom. With a sigh of relief Toni exited the house and jogged to where she was meeting Regan.

She was only a few minutes away when she received a text message. She assumed Martha couldn’t resist and told the girls, so she opened the message thinking it would be one of her friends.

**Shelby: Hi. I saw that we are partnered together for the project. I need to ace this class. where do you live so I can come over today and we can get started.**

Toni stopped in her tracks and re-read the text. How did Shelby even get her number. She clenched her jaw and replied.

**Toni: I can’t today, I’m busy. I guess I can do it tomorrow but at yours, not mine. Also how did you get my number?**

**Shelby: I asked around. I can’t do tomorrow I have pageant stuff to work on. How important are your plans today?**

Toni couldn’t believe what she was reading. Pageants? She thought those were for toddlers. She wanted to write back that her plans were more important than her sexist parade preparation. Then she thought about how desperately she needed to get back on the team and gave in. As much as she hated it, Shelby had the right idea with starting early.

**Toni: Fine. I can be around at about 3? Can you send your address.**

Toni continued walking. just as she saw Regan’s car, Shelby replied with her address and instructions to be polite and proper with her parents. _So act straight then._

_\--------_

Shelby’s house literally had a white picket fence. Regan started out of the window and remarked, “Wow, I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised. We all knew Shelby was living the American dream.”

The comment made Toni wonder where Regan lived. She was sure she would find out eventually. Her brain cycled through a hundreds of scenarios of spending time at Regan’s house, meeting her parents and lounging around watching TV before a voice next to her jolted her out of her thoughts.

“Maybe when we do this again we can spend more than two hours together?”

“Oh, next time huh?”

A blush rose to Regan’s cheeks. “Yeah, well if that’s-“ She stuttered before seeing Toni’s smiling face. “Yeah, next time.”

Toni got out of the car, pulled up her jeans a bit, and tied a knot in the tee-shirt under her unzipped jacket. Holding onto the car door Toni asked, “How straight do I look?”

Regan threw her head back laughing, “Not at all,” she managed between bouts of giggles.

Toni groaned and undid all of her outfit adjustments. “Well Shelby’s just gonna have to pretend then.”

Snow crunched beneath her boots as she walked up to Shelby’s front door. She felt oddly nervous. With a deep breath she gave the door four quick raps and waited for someone to let her in.

“Toni!” Shelby exclaimed as the door flew open. “Come in, come in.”

Well, that was a sudden change of attitude from what she had been receiving at school. Shelby gestured for her to come inside. Toni noticed a few unfamiliar faces behind Shelby as she stepped over the threshold. “Toni, this is my mom and dad,” She said, gesturing to the strangers in the foyer.

The picture perfect pair waved hello to Toni but she hardly noticed. _Parents._ The word still sent a wave of pain through her chest. Maybe it was jealously? longing? she wasn’t sure; but it hurt.

Toni barely registered whatever conversation she managed to maintain with the Goodkinds before she was being dragged up the polished wooden staircase by Shelby. She arrived in a room which was undeniably Shelby’s. The walls were painted a soft pink, there were several wooden crosses on the walls and framed photos her Shelby with Andrew and other people that she recognised from the Jesus Club.

Shelby shut the door behind her and turned to face Toni, her expression unreadable. “So who was it that just dropped you off?”

“Are you kidding me Shelby?” Toni sighed in exasperation.

“Whatever you do… At home or whatever is your business.” Shelby gestured pointedly at Toni. “But, this is a Christian house-“

“I swear if I hear that ‘Christian Household’ bullshit again-“ Toni clenched her jaw and cut herself off. This partnership needed to work. She needed to keep it together and get through this. Even if it meant shutting up and dealing with whatever homophobic views the other girl threw at her. Toni exhaled, “Whatever, what have you got so far?”

If Toni didn’t know better she would say that Shelby looked even slightly relieved that the topic had been changed. “I’ve started researching the topic but it would probably be a good idea to study what we’ve already-“ Shelby stopped abruptly and looked Toni up and down. “Where’s all your stuff?”

Toni blushed. “I was- I mean-“ Toni shook her head and gained some composure, why was she feeling so flustered and guilty for not being prepared for a completely unplanned study session? “I was busy, like I said. We can just use your notes and textbook.”

“Right, busy with that girl.” Toni heard Shelby mumble. She ignored it for the sake of the assignment and the sake of getting back on the team.

Shelby seemed to pull herself together, suddenly springing from the dark, sarcastic and complicated Shelby to the one exuberant, optimistic one that she recalled from the morning announcements. “Right then,” Shelby’s Southern accent seemed more pronounced with her brighter tone. “Grab the textbook and ask me some questions.”

Recovering from the whiplash of Shelby’s rapid personality changes, Toni reached for the textbook and sat down on Shelby’s pink, floral duvet cover. “Just anything we’ve covered? Or…”

Shelby grabbed a pen which matched her sequinned notebook and replied with a grin, “Yep! Anything. Hit me.”

“I’d love to,” Toni muttered under her breath before rattling off questions about topics that had been covered in the few physics lessons they’s had.

Before long, the sun began to set. Shelby and Toni both managed to stay civil with only the occasional jibe that they each assumed the other couldn’t hear.

The pair studied for around three hours before, out of the blue, Shelby sat her book down. “So…” her eyes flitted around the room, almost as though she was deciding whether to ask Toni something. “Who is the girl?”

Toni was taken aback. and placed a hand on her chest in mock-astonishment, “Sorry, you’re actually interested in the life of a real life sinner?”

Her sarcastic comment did not go over well with the blonde girl. “Never mind, I’m actually not. If the cost of being polite is getting my head bitten off with you people then I’d rather not bother.”

You people? What did that mean? Toni recoiled, a bit surprised that Shelby had stooped to that level. So what was all of that, “ _I know you won’t remember any of this tomorrow but I’m here for you. I don’t hate you”_ about then? Although she prided herself on being tough, Toni was hurt.

Her heart was pounding when she crawled off of the bed and pulled her coat on _._ It was a completely involuntary reaction to whatever emotion she was experiencing that she couldn’t quite describe.

“Toni?” Shelby questioned, getting off the bed herself.

“My curfew is soon. My fos- my mom will be worried.” For some reason she she didn’t want Shelby to know that she was a foster kid. Just another thing to judge her on.

As Toni reached for the door it swung open, causing her to jump back. Mr Goodkind was standing on the other side. “Shelby, it’s about dinner time, maybe it’s time for your guest to get home in time for her own dinner?”

Toni watched Shelby open and close her mouth a few times, searching for a response. Finally Toni decided to reply instead, “I was just heading out. Gotta get home before the food gets cold.” She slipped past Mr Goodkind and headed for the steps. Stopping just at the landing she turned around, addressing Shelby’s dad, “Thanks for having me.”

“Wait, Toni I didn't mean-“ She heard before closing the front door behind her, cutting off whatever Shelby was going to say. 


	11. Feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all, bit of a quick update today! Thought I'd let you know that I have a lot to do over the next few days so there might not be another update until around the 1st. That being said, I'm known to procrastinate so just watch this space I guess haha! Also I love all of the comments! They're incredibly motivating, so thank you to all the people saying they love the story! 
> 
> Enjoy xx

Toni was shaking with rage. The hurt from Shelby’s comment had evolved into something bitter and ugly. The list of things that had happened in the last two weeks cycled around her head over and over. Carol, Dot finding out, Shelby, the broken microscope, being kicked off the basketball team, and the list went on and on. Every injustice, small and big culminating in a fiery ball of pure resentment.

_And now this long fucking walk home in the snow, in the dark._

Against her will, angry tears sprung to her eyes but she wiped them away viciously, dragging the cuff of her sleeve across her face. She couldn’t believe Shelby. She was trying so hard to just let all the little comments and transgressions roll off her back but _God,_ everyone was making it so hard.

Her jaw was starting to ache from gritting her teeth. Or maybe it was big fucking bruise from where she’d been kicked in the face. She laughed at herself, feeling borderline hysterical. Toni needed to calm down before she lost control completely; so she called the only person she could.

“Hey, Toni. What’s up?” Dot answered on the third ring.

“Dot,” Toni practically whimpered down the phone. “Can you come pick me up?”

“Yes, I-“ There was rustling and banging on the other line. “I’m on my way. What is it? Oh God, was it Carol? I never should have-“

“No, it’s-“

“Are you hurt?”

“I’m not at Carol’s. I don’t know its just- It’s stupid. I just feel like I’m losing it and I need someone.” She took a deep shuddering breath. The anger was still there but an overwhelming feeling of panic and dread had risen to the surface, making it hard to grip the phone with her shaky hands. “Do you know where Shelby lives?”

“Yeah we used to carpool,” Dot laughed. “Look, try and take deep slow breaths, maybe think about your new girlfriend.”

Toni breathed out a laugh at Dot’s attempt to take her mind off her anxiety. “So Martha told you huh?” She managed.

“I think Martha told Fatin, so… That was kind of that for your secret. Toni I’m heading out now do you need me to stay on the line?”

Toni felt like she had regained a small amount of control and Dot’s car didn’t have bluetooth. “It’s fine. Thank you so much, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I’m sure the other girls would do the same if you let them in.”

Toni kicked a chunk of snow with her boot and sighed, “I can’t, you know I can’t. They don’t deserve having to think about all this. I never should have told you, it was selfish.”

“Let’s talk about this later, for now just try and calm down I’ll be there soon.”

“Okay,” She replied and hung up the phone.

She brushed the snow off of a log and sat down, bringing her chin to rest on her knees. Just as she sat, headlights came around the corner, momentarily blinding her. The car pulled up next to her. _That was quick,_ She thought. But as her sight recovered she noticed that it wasn’t Dot’s car. Her heart jumped, her mind instantly going to the worst case scenario. Already on edge, she stood up and started running away, closer to the houses she had walked from.

“Wait, wait!” A voice yelled. A female voice. With a Texan accent.

Toni groaned and stopped in her tracks. “What the hell Shelby?” She yelled storming over to where Shelby had gotten out of the car. “You can’t just pull up on a teenage girl, alone, in the dark.”

Illuminated by the car’s headlights, Shelby’s eyebrows pulled together, “As a teenage girl, shouldn’t you not be alone in the dark?”

“I didn’t think you were about to offer a ‘sinful homosexual’ a lift,” she shot back, copying Shelby’s accent. “You do know that ‘gay’ isn’t the only element of my personality? If you really hate me you could at least criticise my actual bad qualities, rather than the shit I can’t change.”

“I’m sorry, that house, it- I should never have forced my beliefs on you.”

Toni bristled, “You know, I remember the night of the party. And yeah, as you so kindly put it, I embarrassed myself that night.” Toni took a step closer to Shelby so they were just inches apart and said, “But so did you. I bet you haven’t told your boyfriend about your whole ‘I’m here for you’ speech, right?”

Shelby’s eyes flashed and she shoved Toni away by her shoulders, causing her to stumble back. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t try and gaslight me, I don’t fall for that shit. I know what you said and I want to know why.”

“Because I do care! Why do you look like you’ve been hit by a car? and you do you have this-“ Shelby stepped towards Toni and reached out, brushing a thumb across the gash on her forehead. “-cut on your face?”

She must have wiped off some of the make-up when she wiped her eyes with her sleeve. Toni slapped her hand away and groaned in frustration, “Why are you so hot and cold all the time! One minute you’re treating me like I’m contagious and the next you’re like, caressing my face? Just pick one of your 50 personalities and stick with it!”

Breathing heavily, Toni waited for a reply; but Shelby just stared at her, emotions flying across her face a disappearing before Toni could discern them.

They were still only inches apart, Toni could feel Shelby’s erratic breath on her face. “I-“ Shelby whispered before her face was suddenly illuminated by Dot’s headlights causing her eyes to go wide. She turned on her heel and ran towards her car.

Toni considered calling her back, but decided to let her go. She didn’t actually want her to come back anyway.

As Shelby pulled her car out and sped off towards her house, Dot’s car door slammed. “Hey, are you okay?” Dot asked hurriedly, running up to Toni.

Toni was still reeling from her bizarre encounter with Shelby. The argument had temporary distracted her from how awful she felt, and without that distraction it all came rushing back as Dot enveloped her in her arms.

Finally, feeling safe in the arms of someone that didn’t hate her, Toni broke down. Her body shuddered with silent sobs as the weight of her past few days ultimately got too heavy to bear. She hated that she couldn’t appreciate the good things in her life because they were being drowned out by all of the painful one’s. Even with Regan, how were they ever going to get to be a normal couple? Regan would never be able to go to her house, never be able to know her personal life and Toni would never be able to give her a reason why.

They stood, holding each other in the snow, in the dark, until Toni was able to calm down. Dot didn’t talk or let go, somehow she knew that all Toni needed was to be held until she was able to speak again.

As the heavy emotions lifted, embarrassment started to seep in. She pulled away from Dot and covered her face with her hands. “I’m so sorry,” she murmured, shaking her head.

Cold hands grabbed her wrists and pried her hands away from her face. “Don’t ever apologise for crying, especially given your situation.” Dot looked physically pained as she said, “I really want to help you but you can’t live with me, not with my dad how he is. Would any of the other girls be able?”

“I tried this with Martha a few years back. Her family was rejected from being able to foster me because they didn’t have an extra room. And it’s-” Toni sighed, defeated, “-similar with the rest of the girls. Either not enough room or, Fatin’s parents’ marriage is on the rocks, Leah couldn’t with her mom’s depression and Nora’s family are still dealing with Rachel’s eating disorder recovery. There’s just… A lot of rules.”

“Rules that somehow Carol has been able to bypass?”

“According to her records, she is a stable single woman with no history of substance abuse, her house meets the guidelines, she has honourable views on parenting and is physically able to raise a teenager.”

“Toni, I feel like we need to tell your social worker-“

“No, no, come on please Dot, you promised you wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“That was before I knew what was going on! Maybe she would understand if you just showed her your injuries and explained your side of the story first.”

Toni felt sick. She couldn’t believe that her friend would do this. Dot didn’t understand. “It won’t work. For one, the woman hates me. She has been dealing with me for years and has seen my violent episodes. No one is going to believe that the scrappy, argumentative, disrespectful teenager with a history of violence is being abused by a well respected woman with a squeaky clean record. I’ll be blamed”

“I can’t just sit by and do nothing! Just look at yourself, you’ve got a big cut on your face and lump on your jaw which I can only assume is a huge ass bruise skilfully covered with make-up. You need to go to that group home, you can’t carry on like this.”

“I know what I can handle Dorothy,” Toni growled.

“Well you just got done sobbing in my arms for 20 minutes which leads me to believe you don’t. I’m telling your social worker.”

Toni’s mind raced, desperate to find an excuse for why she couldn’t leave that wasn’t the truth. She couldn’t find one though. With blurry vision Toni looked right into Dot’s passionate eyes. “I have lost everything that matters to me except for what I have here.”

“But It would only be 2 years.”

Unable to bury it anymore, Toni spoke the words she had been too scared to utter before, “If I go Dot, I won’t have anything to live for.”


	12. Easy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So as predicted I have procrastinated horribly but the result being able to release this chapter. So starting now no updates until the 1st haha 
> 
> Also homophobic slurs in this chapter, but I gather if you've come this far it doesn't bother you x

Toni lay awake on the futon mattress on Dot’s floor, thinking about Shelby.

She had decided to not to go home which she knew she would come to regret when she saw Carol tomorrow; or the next day, or week depending on how long Carol wanted to drag out the terrifying anticipation. The drive back to Dot’s house was quiet, Toni didn’t think the other girl had any idea how to respond to her admission. She hoped it worked, but she felt terrible that Dot now had to deal with this. She should have just kept everyone out of it.

Especially Shelby, who couldn’t seem to drop it even when they were fighting. Something Shelby said was stuck in her head though. It had seemed like she was going to say something about her house. Or the people in it?

“Hey Dot?” Toni whispered in case she had fallen asleep.

Bedsheets rustled and Dot replied, her voice low, “Yeah?”

She debated whether or not she should ask, but decided she had to know. “What do you know about Shelby’s home life? Like, her parents?”

“I thought you hated Shelby, she was crying when I pulled up tonight.”

_I had made her cry?_ Toni felt a pang of guilt at the revelation but played it down for Dot. “It’s nothing, we were just arguing about the assignment.”

“Half a mile away from her house?” Dot questioned.

“Well, she was trying to apologise to me. We get into these big fights until one of us eventually goes too far. We were not designed to be in the same room as each other.”

“I think you two have more in common than you think.”

“What could I possibly have in common with Shelby Goodkind?”

Dot paused before answering, “You both but up with bullshit that you shouldn’t because you’re afraid to be alone.”

Andrew’s rumoured infidelities sprung to mind making Toni feel bad for ever having brought them up, especially because she knew how it felt to be trapped in a hopeless situation. Shelby didn’t need Toni to tell her that Andrew was a cheat, she already knew. How could she not? But why did she think that that she couldn’t leave him? It was only a high school romance. The stakes weren’t that high; unless there was more to the story.

Knowing Dot was right made Toni realise how badly she had treated Shelby. It wasn’t as one sided as she let herself believe. “Whatever,” Toni said nonchalantly, not wanting Dot to hear how much her comment had affected her. “You never answered my question.”

“What question- Oh! Shelby’s family is weird. Obviously very religious and strict. They’re only allowed to have certain food and to wear certain things. I don’t know if that has changed since 5th grade though.” Dot paused in thought. “It is definitely clear where Shelby gets her homophobia from. Other than that they’re perfect, as far as I’ve seen. Why do you ask?”

It was pretty much the answer she was expecting but she still couldn’t shake the feeling that it wasn’t all that perfect and Shelby was about to tell her why. “She started saying something about her household but cut herself off. I don’t know, it’s probably nothing.”

“Toni you are probably just projecting your own situation onto her. But if you’re really worried I’ll ask around.”

Toni thought about it before coming to the conclusion that even though Shelby hated her and the feeling was mutual, she still didn’t want to think about another person suffering in the way she was. “Yeah, actually. You’re probably right, but I just don’t want to let it go yet.”

\--------

Sunday flew by without a hitch. Carol didn’t bring up her absence, but she knew her well enough to know that it wouldn’t be dropped just like that. It gave her time to go out and buy some more make-up, meet up with Regan then work on the assignment by herself for a few hours.

By the time Monday rolled around, Toni was feeling much better than Saturday. She felt like she had a little bit of control back.

Regan picked her up from school at their spot around the corner. Everything with Regan was so easy. They never talked about heavy stuff, they had loads in common and there were never any awkward silences. It was essentially perfect.

They kissed and parted ways when they reached the school.

Toni didn’t realise until today that she shared first period math with Andrew.

Goes to show how little attention she paid to that class considering he was loud and obnoxious throughout the entire class. He threw things at the teacher and made fun of the people that were actually doing the work. How could Shelby date such a prick?

A thought dawned on her as she watched Andrew ball up the paper of the girl sitting next to him and throw it across the room, If he was like this at school, was he like this with Shelby? That was it, she was going to have to talk to Shelby about this because if there was more to the story than just infidelity, Toni couldn’t stay out of it. She couldn’t just watch someone being mistreated. The more he hassled the students around him the more Toni felt the control on her anger slipping.

The bell rang and Toni waited for Andrew in the hallway. He walked out, chatting to a friend until he noticed her waiting. “Oh, It’s you,” He said laughing, “The girl who got drunk and embarrassed herself at my party the other week.”

That sounded familiar.

“Sure,” Toni replied, her anger rising to the surface in less than a second, “And you’re the asshole who can’t seem to keep his dick in his pants.”

The friends that Andrew had been talking to before whooped and egged on the fight, causing a few more people to gather around and see what was going on. Andrew looked elated with the attention. “Says the dyke sleeping with my sloppy seconds.”

That couldn’t be right. “I’m seeing Regan, you don’t know her. She’s new here.”

Andrew looked like a hunter that had just caught an animal in a trap. His grin was somewhat malevolent as he arrogantly responded, “Ask her. We dated during summer. It’s too bad she chose that sinful lifestyle, she was hot.”

His confident smirk paired with the same judgemental words she had heard too often in the past ten days was the last straw for Toni. She snapped and swung right for his face.

He must have seen it coming because he caught her punch, pulled her down and kneed her in the ribs. She straightened up instantly; she could take the pain. it was worth it for a confrontation she could finally fight back in. This felt like control.

She swung again, this time nearly missing but just clipping Andrew’s cheek. It couldn’t have hurt but Andrew keeled over and plastered a distressed expression on his face. He looked up, and over Toni’s shoulder said, “Miss, she’s just attacking me out of nowhere.”

Toni looked behind her and saw the English teacher, Mrs Whiting, standing with her arms folded in the crowd. If she had only just arrived then the circumstances did not look good for Toni. Her rage sunk back down, leaving her filled with dread instead. Her injuries were too old to pass off as Andrew’s doing. There was no way anyone was going to believe that Andrew fought back because he had, as far as Toni recalled, never been in a school fight before. She, however, had been in more than she could count.

The thought of Shelby or Regan with that smug asshole made her want to ignore the teacher and strike while he wasn’t expecting it; but she decided against it. She had already hindered her chances of rejoining the team today, why add to it? _Good one Toni,_ She thought, _way to prove to Coach that you’ve changed._

With no clear way out and no believable excuse for her actions, Toni hung her head and followed the teacher to the principal’s office.

The meeting was short. It was just the same old speech about having to change her behaviour and how this was her last warning. This was probably her 6th last warning. She never did anything bad enough to get expelled but Principal Evans could never think of a better threat. At this point he should probably realise that it’s like the boy who cried wolf. He lectured her about the money for the microscope but Toni could hardly pay attention. She was still reeling over the Regan, Shelby, Andrew situation.

So much for that easy relationship. 


	13. The Shelby Issue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised the next chapter!! It is literally 1 minute until the 2nd so I am technically within the realm of the 1st. Enjoy and thank you for all of the lovely comments I love to read them xx

The days that followed were weird. Weird with the school, with Regan, at home and with Shelby.

She plead her case with the principal and told him exactly what happened. She could only pray that he would believe her. He didn’t. She wasn’t punished though, only given a bunch of pamphlets on teen mental health and sexuality, as though she was the one uncomfortable with her sexual orientation, not the members of the Jesus club. After a long ‘we just want to help you’ speech, Toni walked out of the office, dumped the pamphlets in the trash and slowly made her way to her next class. Which happened to be the one she was dreading the most.

Toni smiled and waved at Regan when she walked in the class but she didn’t see her.

The first words out of Shelby’s mouth, when she took her seat next to her, were, “So I heard you beat up my boyfriend.”

Really? That was it? Of course Shelby would automatically take an aggressive stance, anything to protect that sleazy boyfriend.

“What? He still crying over his boo-boo?” Toni snarled sarcastically.

“There’s a mark. And you can’t say anything, you attacked him unprovoked and he didn’t defend himself because he didn’t want to hit a girl.” Shelby’s words said one thing her her face was full of doubt. Almost as though she was hoping that Toni could confirm that claim.

A wave of guilt washed over her. Or sympathy? Whatever it was Toni didn’t realise she was even able to feel it for Shelby. She didn’t care whether it was her business or not at this point, Shelby needed to accept that Andrew was an absolute asshole; and Toni was going to be the one to tell her. “Oh, is that what he told you? Well my throbbing ribs say otherwise.”

Shelby sighed and closed her eyes. When she opened them her eyes flared with indignation, “Show me then.”

Toni’s face went hot; she couldn’t tear her eyes away from Shelby’s, and the passion they briefly held.

Luckily before Toni could think about the exchange further, Mr Winters barged into the classroom, breathless and fumbling with the stack of papers in his arms. Shelby flinched back as through she had been electrocuted, seemingly having forgotten that they were in school.

With one last glance at Toni, Shelby snarled, “I don’t believe you.”

Toni smirked and looked towards the front of the room. She didn’t give Shelby the satisfaction of an answer. From the breathlessness of her tone, the shakiness in her voice and the uncertainty coating every word; Toni knew she had won that battle.

Strangely, despite having made Shelby doubt the good nature of her God loving, woman respecting, celibate boyfriend, Toni still felt the guilt from earlier, or sympathy or whatever it was. Why had she gotten involved?

\--------

Regan was the next issue. She had spent all day thinking about Shelby that it gave her a shock to see Regan waiting outside her last class. Seeing her brought back the whole fight that she had almost forgotten happened. Namely, she remembered Andrew’s comment.

Regan didn’t kiss her, even though Toni leaned in for one. Instead she just grabbed Toni by the arm and practically dragged her to the car.

Toni tried to laugh it off as Regan, in essence, stuffed her into the car. “Okay, so I guess you’re giving me a lift today.”

Regan slammed the door, shutting them in, and rested her forehead of the steering wheel.

The whole situation was making Toni nervous now. Finally, after what felt like hours of nail picking, hand wringing and leg bouncing, Regan spoke, “I think I know why you lost your temper,” she started, sighing, “But why did you pick the fight in the first place? Why Andrew?”

Toni felt as though she couldn’t open her mouth, let alone speak.

She waited for Toni to reply and eventually gave up waiting. “Was it because of Shelby?”

“Yes” Toni answered, the word flying out of her mouth before her brain had the chance to process it. Toni panicked, hoping that Regan didn’t get the wrong impression from that. She scrambled for a way to backtrack. “No! Well- Partly yes, but no. It is because Andrew is just such a dick, and Shelby is just involved in that.”

“So you were protecting her?”

Toni was feeling attacked now. “Regan- No! He was pissing me off in class, I-“ Toni groaned in frustration, “I started it because he is just constantly awful, but it got physical because of you. I was defending you. Anyway, why do you keep bringing Shelby up, she has nothing to do with this.” Toni felt defensive, all of the protective measures she had developed over the years to stop her getting hurt tried to rush into place; but she was not going to let herself ruin this.

“You are the one always bringing her up! Always saying what an asshole Andrew is for cheating on her.”

“I swear I don’t actually care! It's just an observation, he’s an dick. I don’t care about Shelby, whatever, she wants to be with a prick like that? Fuck her.”

“I once wanted to be with a prick like that.” Regan’s voice was thick and a small tear trailed down her cheek. _Fuck,_ She had made her cry. _God, I’m just as bad as Andrew._ She slammed her fist against her knee, struggling to keep the torrent of emotions contained.

“Regan, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean you…” Toni trailed off and stuffed her hands in her pockets. Her walls started popping up, one by one until she hardly felt anything at all anymore.

Regan sniffed loudly and started right at Toni. “I know what you meant. I also know the way Shelby looks at you. I see the way you two act together every day in science class-“

Toni cut her off, “Oh please, Shelby is straight.”

“That is so beside the point Toni. It isn’t about whether she is straight or otherwise, it is about you.”

“I don’t understand?”

“I don’t care whether Shelby gay! I care that you wish she was.”

Toni was stunned into silence. Apparently Regan didn’t know her as well as she thought she did because that was not true. And it didn’t matter if it was anyway because Shelby was straight. Toni’s brain short-circuited and she said the worst possible thing, “But Shelby’s straight.”

Regan nodded sadly and looked at Toni almost sympathetically, “And that is your problem now.” She leaned over and gave Toni a soft kiss on the cheek, the wetness of her tears reaching Toni’s lips. “Please get out of my car.” She said softly, not looking at Toni again after she pulled away.

Walking home in the snow, Toni ran over every stupid thing she'd said in the last 10 hours in her mind. Thoughts entering her head like a radio station caught between two channels. Obviously she would ruin something good by saying stupid shit about someone she hated. But did she hate Shelby? Maybe not as much anymore but that certainly did not mean that she thought she was beautiful and wanted to kiss her like Regan was implying. Had Regan implied that?

She buried her face in her hands, muffling the sound of her frustrated shouts. She felt so confused, This was Regan fault. Putting these crazy ideas in her head and now she couldn’t get them out because they were so absurd. She just had to forget about Shelby Goodkind and talk to Regan. She could straighten this out, she needed to. Regan was Toni’s chance to be with someone that understood her, challenged her, made her a better-

_Fuck, Why was she thinking about Shelby again?_


	14. Under the Streetlight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super important Trigger Warning for sexual abuse for this chapter. For the fic really. So if that is something that you cannot cope with or are triggered by then please stop reading, the last thing I want is someone to be triggered or upset by this. 
> 
> Otherwise, enjoy xx

After years of foster care with screaming rows, drug fuelled destruction and old doors creaking open in the dead of night, Toni learned to sleep with one eye open. This is why her eyes immediately shot open at the sound of a faint knock on her window.

She waited for a moment in the dark to see if the sound was just the wind or a figment of her sleep addled mind.

The knock came again. Much louder this time. She jumped out of bed, consequences be damned, to shut her late night guest up. She was already in hot water with Carol, God only knows what would happen if she thought Toni was sneaking someone into the house. She shuddered at the thought.

Back dots crowded her vision when she turned on the bedside lamp. She opened the window as far as the rusted hinges would let her, expecting, hoping that it would be Regan. Toni was too scared and pissed off to even register the shock of who was standing out in the snow.

“Shelby you need to fucking leave right now,” Toni whisper-shouted, using her phone torch to illuminate the girl.

Shelby’s hand shot up to block the light from her eyes. She wasn’t wearing a coat, only an oversized hoodie which Toni assumed was Andrew’s. She shivered against the snow, and wrapped herself up in a hug. Only then did Toni notice that she was crying.

“Toni, please. I just need to talk to you.” There was a slight slur to Shelby’s words, making Toni think the girl was slightly drunk.

“It is 2 in the morning, go home. You can’t be here.”

“Please,” The other girl choked out a sob, “Can I just come in?”

Toni softened, she couldn’t help it. She thought about all of the times she had been left out in the cruel snow, cold and crying. Though she was sure the circumstances were very different, she couldn’t help seeing a small piece of her younger, terrified self in Shelby.

She sighed. Wondering why, yet again, she was putting herself at risk for Shelby Goodkind. “Wait there.”

Quietly, Toni got changed and rummaged around her untidy room in search of warm clothes. She stuffed the clothes in her backpack and tiptoed out of her room. The floorboards creaked slightly under hear heavy snow boots, but nothing that would wake Carol from whatever drug or alcohol induced stupor she generally worked herself into every night. She used her phone torch to navigate her way out of the house, breathing a sigh of relief when she made it out.

She rounded the corner and jumped when Shelby appeared in front of her. Shelby opened her mouth to speak but Toni put a finger to her lips, shushing her. Toni grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her to the corner shop around the corner. _Me and Regan’s spot,_ she remembered mournfully. She directed them under a street light on the curb and sat down, fishing a coat and wooly hat out of her bag and giving it to Shelby.

Shelby looked like she was going to cry at the gesture. Or, at least, cry more. She looked awful. Make-up was smeared across her face, black mascara trailed down her cheeks. Her eyes were red and puffy as though she had been crying all night. Snow fell around them, the flakes speckling Shelby’s black coat. Toni’s coat.

No one spoke for a moment. “So,” Toni broke the silence, “why are you here?”

Shelby took a shuddering breath, wringing her hands. “I believe you.” Her chin quivered. “I believe you about Andrew.”

There was something about Shelby tonight. Unfiltered. Vulnerable. Real.

Toni met her eyes. Soft green and filled with unshed tears; but also full of unspoken words.

“So you tracked me down and came all this way to tell me something I already knew?” Toni hated the aggressive stance she always seemed to take in these situations. Why would someone want to be vulnerable with her? Especially Shelby Goodkind. She waited for the other shoe to drop.

“No, I came to tell you that we broke up.”

“Again, I don’t see why you think I’d care.” Toni cringed slightly as the words fell out of her mouth. “Shelby, I sorry- I didn’t mean-“ God, why had Shelby put her in this position?

“You’re the one that can’t seem to have a conversation without bringing up his name!” Great, they were arguing again.

Toni decided not to engage. “Look, I honestly don’t really care about you or Andrew,” Regan’s words rang in her ear from yesterday but she erased the thought from her mind. “But anyway, I’m glad you’re out of it. That was a shitty situation. Is that everything?” Toni stood up and wiped the snow off of her joggers.

Shelby leapt up, stumbling slightly as though she had forgotten her own strength. _Yep, she was definitely a bit drunk._

“Wait! No.” Shelby took a few steps forward, grabbed Toni’s arm and took a deep breath as though to clear her head. “That’s not all. I came to tell you that you don’t know my life. You don’t know me. So stop acting like you do. You have no idea what it is like in my house, the way I have to live-“

Toni stopped listening and yanked her hand away. Maybe she was being selfish, or maybe the gravity of her own home situation hit her in that moment; but she retaliated, “Oh, sure Shelby. Your life is nightmare. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to be rich, in a stable home, popular and perfect. It must be hell!”

“You have no idea” Shelby growled, her fists clenched at her sides.

“Okay, then tell me. What is so fucking awful about Shelby Goodkin-“

Next thing she knew, Shelby’s lips were on hers.

She closed her eyes instinctively, sinking into the kiss. For a moment she forgot who she was with, unable to tear herself away from the other girl, away from human contact that felt good.

The streetlight above them flickered, jolting Toni into reality. She pulled away and wiped the taste of beer and tears off of her lips using sleeve of her coat. “What the fuck Shelby?”

Shelby looked at her, the tears finally falling from her eyes, broken. “Am I really that disgusting?”

“No I-“ Toni didn’t know what to say. She wanted to help but right now Shelby was just another drunk person kissing her without permission. Despite her body having reciprocated the kiss, Toni’s mind went to its darkest place the second she pulled away. “Shelby, you can’t just-“ Her breath was coming out in jagged gasps.

Unable to talk anymore or look at Shelby’s broken expression, Toni ran.

Without thinking, she ran home, slamming the door behind her as she tried to catch her breath and get a grasp on her wandering thoughts. She had managed to block all of this from her mind but now that she had briefly let down her guard, it was all flooding back in. She collapsed to the floor with her back against the door, feeling sick. Feeling the unwelcome hands as though it was the days it happened.

She hardly noticed the living room light turn on in her blind panic.

“Toni, what the fuck are you doing?” Carols voice snapped her out of it. It was a welcome distraction. Finally, something to do with all of her emotion.

She stood and stared Carol in the eyes. “Why do you fucking care? Just leave me alone.”

She waited or the fist blow. She almost wanted it. Anything other than what she was feeling.

Her wish was granted with an unbridled jab to the face. Her head snapped to the side; and her gaze was redirected right through the uncovered window, into the horrified eyes of Shelby Goodkind.


	15. Changing

Fuck. _Fuck._ Before Toni could think of what to do about Shelby standing outside her window, another fist came flying towards her. She blocked it, not wanting Shelby to see her get beaten up.

She searched desperately for a way to make this like something other than it was.

Throwing Carol’s fist to the side, Toni, with all her force, shoved Carol away by her shoulders. The older woman toppled to the floor. _Shit_ , that was a mistake. At the very least it might help the Shelby situation, but as for Carol? She had royally fucked up.

“You fucking-“ Carol growled before calming down and standing up, unsteady on her feet. “Enjoy the group home.” With that she turned around and stumbled to the lounge.

Toni didn’t bother begging for her place in the house or apologies or anything. All she could think was that Shelby had witnessed the whole thing. Toni racked her brain for a way to fix this. Luckily it wasn’t too bad, and her fighting back could have just made it look like a harmless fight. Or at least, that was the plan.

She ran out of the house again, and sprinted in the direction of Shelby. The other girl was still in the same place outside the window, shellshocked.

“Shelby,” Toni murmured cautiously, slowly approaching her as if she was trying to capture a frightened dog.

Shelby didn’t move. her facial expression barely changed. There were a few moments of tense silence before Shelby said anything. “You- your face, your ribs, the party… Was this it? Your mom beats you?”

Toni felt a sudden strong, unjustifiable urge to defend her mom. “No. Never. It’s my foster mom and it’s none of your business. we just got in a fight. You saw, I hit her back.”

“Toni she punched you in the face! You shoved her. You need to tell someone.”

Rage bubbled up, why couldn’t everyone just mind their own business and accept that she knows what she’s doing? To her embarrassment and further anger, tears sprung to her eyes and flowed down her cheeks without warning. “Piss off Shelby-“ Her voice cracked as she raised her voice. “You have no idea what you’ve done.”

“I didn’t mean-“

“Let me finish. I have nothing now; and that’s your fault.” Toni turned away, not wanting Shelby to see how broken she was, how little she believed the words she was saying. She lost herself in her head, not realising her tormented mutters of, “It’s your fault.” Had turned into, “It’s my fault.”

Hands touched her back, but she didn’t jump, or react at all. Her fight and flight instincts were gone, not worth kicking in because even when they did, she got hurt. “What are you even doing here?” She wept, “And don’t give me any of those roundabout bullshit answers now. Just fucking tell me.”

“Andrew broke up with me. He kicked me out of his house because he got tired of waiting.” Shelby whispered the last part, letting Toni know exactly what she was talking about. She grabbed Toni’s shoulders and spun her around to face her. “I came here because I was drunk, upset and you were on my mind. I’m sorry I kissed you it was totally inappropriate. I’m not even- I’m not like that.”

“Okay, Shelby,” Toni said shortly, disappointed. She shrunk out of Shelby’s grip and walked back a few paces. She wiped blood off her freshly split lip, surprised to feel a handful of other injuries on her cheek. Carol must have been wearing rings. In a threatening tone she warned, “Don’t tell anyone. You don’t know the full situation and it is none of your business.”

She started to walk away but Shelby shouted after her, “I’m sorry, but I’m calling child services. No one should live like this. Not even you.”

Toni sobbed, part out of anger, part sadness and part pain. She stormed over to Shelby and snarled, voice wavering, “And I’ll tell your parents, the church, the Jesus club and anyone who cares that you kissed me.”

Shelby’s face paled, to the point where it looked like she was going to vomit. “You wouldn’t.”

She definitely wouldn’t. Her chest ached with a sick, acrid feeling that made her want to take everything back. Not just her words: the night, every word she had said to Shelby, to anyone. _God, I am a terrible person_ , she thought bitterly, _I deserve to be sent away._ As much and as often as she thought that, however, a small, selfish part of her couldn’t do it.

“I don’t know Shelby, maybe I would. I don’t know!” Toni paced. “I can’t go through this with you. There is no way you’d understand; But I just can’t- I cannot tell anyone about this. I can cope with Carol.” Toni though back to Carol’s words moments earlier. “It doesn’t matter anyway, I think my foster mom is done with me, thanks to you. So just let me deal with this on my own, you’ll just make it worse.”

“Okay.” Shelby said quietly, but sincerely.

Toni was shocked, she stopped pacing and faced Shelby. “Are you serious?”

“Well I can’t shout at you about pretending to know my life while I stand here and do the same thing now.”

Toni was still slightly doubtful but the rush of relief coursing through her body at Shelby’s admission made her want to kiss- No. She couldn’t think like that. Not with Shelby. Instead she wrapped her up in a hug, her stomach tingling at the contact. Both of their faces were flushed when she pulled away. Toni cleared her throat and stepped back. “Thank you so much Shelby. I promise I know what I’m doing. Just, don’t think about this again. You don’t need to worry. I have everything under control.”

“Hell of a position you’ve put me in Shalifoe.”

“Please don’t make me feel any more guilty about this than I already do,” Toni pleaded, hear heart squeezing for what she had done to Dot, and now Shelby. “You can choose to worry about it or you can let it go. Either way I’m not letting you tell CPS.”

Shelby nodded slightly, looking a bit threatened.

Toni turned around and started walking back. “Go home this time,” She said over her shoulder, leaving Shelby standing in her coat and hat, in the snow.

She was just opening her door when she heard footsteps rapidly approaching, “Toni,” She turned around and saw Shelby jogging towards her. “Come to mine. Let me a clean your wounds up. It’s the least I can do seeing as I’m just gonna stand by and let you get abused.”

Simultaneously, Toni’s heart sunk with guilt and clenched in gratitude. She felt terrible for forcing Shelby to stay silent, whatever position Shelby had put her in, Toni had put Shelby in an equally bad one.

She thought about Shelby’s offer. She definitely did not want to go back to Carol’s but Shelby had kissed her and it was weird and uncomfortable, however, despite her traumatised mind’s response, it was not entirely unwelcome. _That can’t be right? I’m just upset about Regan, that’s why I liked it,_ Toni justified to herself. But if she was honest, she hadn’t thought about Regan at all since Shelby came to her window.

“Fine,” Toni said, surprising herself a bit. “Cause your bed is comfy as hell.”

“What? No! You’re sleeping on the floor.”

“Are you kidding? You could fit 4 people in that bed with room between them. Come on,” Toni pleaded jokingly, walking backwards and pressing her hands together as if in prayer, “You won’t even notice me there.”

A flicker of a smile played on Shelby’s face but she still answered, “Nope, No one is sleeping in my bed unless I plan to marry them.”

“So Andrew?” Toni questioned, but suddenly panicked, worrying it was too soon.

“Slept on the floor.”

Toni stared at the other girl incredulously, before bursting out laughing. The other girl joined in but reaffirmed between giggles, “I’m serious though.”

It was possible that they were laughing in some sort of trauma induced mania, but Toni didn’t care. It felt good. Once they settled down Toni chuckled, “I bet he loved that,” she said sarcastically.

“He wasn’t nearly as much of a nag as you are about it,” Shelby retorted playfully.

“He was probably just playing the long game Shelby. Believe me, no one is happy sleeping on the floor if there is no chance of fucking the person in the bed.”

“Toni, don’t be crude!” Shelby snapped, a bit flustered. “And, there is no chance of that.”

Without thinking, Toni blurted, “Well, you’re the one that kissed me…” She trailed off, regretting having brought it up when they were just almost getting along.

They were nearing Shelby’s house now, and Shelby looked like she wanted to lock the door and leave Toni out in the cold. She didn’t respond though as she approached an open window. “Climb in. Quietly,” She said, ignoring Toni’s previous comment.

Once in the pink room Toni took off her shoes and waited for Shelby. As the blonde girl shut the window Toni decided to ask, “Why did you kiss me though?”

“Alcohol,” The other girl responded nonchalantly as she pulled a first aid kit out from a drawer in her vanity.

Toni couldn’t help the tiny part of her that wished that wasn’t true. “Next time, stalk a boy and kiss him in the middle of the night. You’ve got a reputation to uphold pageant queen, slumming it with me is not a strategic move.” Toni sat down on the desk chair.

Shelby looked anywhere but Toni’s eyes before wetting a cotton bud with some sort of antiseptic solution. “Yeah, I’ll work on that for next time.” She said jokingly, but Toni could see that she had made her uncomfortable. “Right, there is not much I can do about the actual lip but I can clean up the cuts above it.”

Without warning, Shelby knelt in front of her and pressed the cotton bud to her face, wiping her upper lip and then cheek. Toni closed her eyes while she applied ointments and God knows what else to her face. It was like having a facial, something which, by no definition, did she really want to experience. Usually, at home, she just splashed the wound with a little water and wiped it dry with a paper towel.

Toni opened her eyes when she noticed that Shelby had stopped. She saw her still kneeling where she was before. “Shelby?” She questioned, worried about the girl that was just staring into space.

Shelby snapped out of it and placed a hand on Toni’s knee. “Did that not hurt you? At all? That was- hydrogen peroxide.”

If she was honest, Toni didn’t notice at all. She shrugged and stood up causing Shelby’s hand to fall off of her knee. “Nope, guess you’re a good nurse Goodkind.”

The girls prepared for the night. Shelby folded a duvet in half and laid it on the floor for Toni to sleep on. By the time they got to bed it was nearly 4 in the morning.

Toni didn’t fall asleep right away, her mind was whirring with the events of yesterday and this morning. From Regan breaking up with her, to the fight with Andrew and Shelby kissing her. Despite her day, she felt content. Or somewhere close to it. “Thank you Shelby, for everything today.” She waited for a response but none came. The other girl must have already fallen asleep.

Finally, after a few minutes. Toni drifted off with the floral scents emitting from Shelby’s duvet and the sound of quiet breathing from the bed beside her.


	16. Business as Usual

A shill noise that sounded like it was emitted from a 1950’s alarm clock woke Toni. When she opened her eyes it was pitch black outside. “What the hell was that?”

“My alarm clock” Shelby answered, sounding distressing alert for the morning.

Toni moaned and ducked her head under the covers once again, “Why can’t you just use your phone like a normal person. You could wake to the sound of whale song if you wanted; a world of opportunity and you choose that?”

“It wakes me up properly. Isn’t whale song used to put people to sleep?”

She was so tired. “Did we even go to sleep?”

There was a ruffling of sheets and Shelby’s feet appeared in front of Toni’s face. “Yep! For two hours.”

That woke Toni up. She sat up. “You’re saying it is 6 in the morning? Why? Why do you want to be awake right now?”

Toni was beyond disturbed. This was not a time of the morning that she ever wanted to see if she could help it.

“Go back to sleep if you want.”

It was a good suggestion. And Toni tried. But for half an hour there was the shower in the ensuite, the clamouring of draws, the slamming of doors and then the hairdryer, which was the last straw. Toni rose with a frustrated groan slash yawn combination.

“Hey Shelby?” Toni called out, drawing the attention of the girl when there was a momentary silence from the hairdryer.

“Oh, sleeping beauty’s risen. Good morning.”

“Shelby it is literally 6:30 in the morning, I’m not sure that applies,” Toni laughed to herself softly. “But I’ll take the compliment.”

Shelby’s head swung around to face Toni. “What compliment?”

Toni just cocked an eyebrow in response and waited for the other girl to work it out herself.

“Oh!” Shelby laughed halfheartedly, “You’re welcome I guess. You are beautifu- I mean, Your face is symmetrical- Like, your features…” She trailed off and rapidly changed the subject, “The shower is easy to work, don’t use all of the hot water.”

Toni chuckled as she stood and put on a Texan accent mocking Shelby, “But then how am I going to complete my 6 step beauty regime. You don’t get facial symmetry from no work at all.”

“Hilarious,” Shelby deadpanned, but Toni could see her holding back a smile.

Toni considered asking Shelby for clothes but she had only changed into these at 2 in the morning so they were hardly dirty and no one other than Shelby would know that she had worn them overnight. She also highly doubted that Shelby would let another girl publicly wear her clothes. It was obviously a sensitive issue.

When Toni turned off the shower she heard voices coming from Shelby’s bedroom. She dried herself off and listened for a moment to see what Shelby was going to say about the situation.

“-A bed on the floor? And who’s in the shower?” That was definitely Shelby’s dad.

Shelby stuttered slightly before answering, “I’m so sorry daddy,” _Daddy?_ Toni shuddered at the nickname. “-It’s Becca. She got in a fight with her parents and needed somewhere to stay. She is super upset and doesn’t want anyone to know-“

“Say no more,” her dad interrupted, “take her out the back door, no one will bother her that way.” Toni breathed a sigh of relief. “But Shelbs.” That didn’t sound good

“Yeah?”

“I don’t like you hanging around with that girl. Between you and me, her parents confided in me about her being tempted by the homosexual lifestyle. Now I have spoken to her parents and I’ve agreed to help her but, as you know, this mindset can be somewhat transferrable. I’ve seen it happen before.” There was a moment of silence and Toni wondered if he had left but then he carried on, “Just promise me you won’t let yourself be tempted by such things. It is not the Lord’s way.”

Shelby responded immediately, “I promise.” What the fuck? Toni felt like she was listening to an induction interview for a cult. No wonder Shelby has such messed up beliefs, her dad literally just implied that gayness was contagious.

Toni’s mind instantly shot to the kiss. If that kiss had been something other than a drunken mistake, Shelby would be in a horrible position. Suddenly that was all Toni could think, _What if it wasn’t a stupid drunken thing? What if Shelby was actually not straight? There was no way right? But if she was_... Despite having no confirmation of that thought, Toni couldn’t help her heart breaking for the girl.

Never in her life had she wished someone was straight more than in that very moment.

There was a quiet knock on the door followed by, “Did you hear all of that?”

Toni quickly got changed and opened the bathroom door. “Yeah, I heard.” She walked out of the bathroom and sat on Shelby’s bed, looking up at the other girl she asked, “Are you sure that kiss meant nothing? Because… What your dad said, that’s really fucked up.”

Shelby’s whole body tensed. “Toni, you are making something out of nothing. I’m sorry if I led you on, I know that kind of- that stuff means something to you but it means nothing to me.”

“Really? Because I was thinking last night, surely if even the thought of being something more with a girl was off the table, you’d let a platonic friend sleep in your bed; It’s not like, an intimate thing with someone you’re not attracted to.” Toni stood up again and walked up to Shelby, who looked furious with the line of questioning.

“I am not gay Toni. And honestly, you’re doing exactly what my dad was talking about, trying to force your lifestyle onto me,” Shelby said forcefully. “Even if I did allow myself to feel temptations, I would go and get it fixed.”

Toni was speechless. The way Shelby was looking at her, the sick twisting feeling in her stomach, Mr Goodkinds words; all of it was telling her that the way she lived was disgusting.

She couldn’t help but believe it.

The shook the thought out of her head as quickly as they came in. She gathered the coat and hat she had loaned Shelby the previous night and opened the window. “I’m gonna go, God forbid I tempt you.” She started to climb out of the window.

“Toni, that’s not what I meant!”

“Don’t bother.” Toni looked over her shoulder. “I know exactly what kind of person you are. I don’t know how I let myself think you were better than that. I’ll text my notes for the assignment.”

She didn’t wait for Shelby to respond before shutting the window behind her.

\--------

Toni was elated to finally see someone that didn’t hate her on some level. “Marty!” She called out, running towards the girl in the school parking lot.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages!” Martha exclaimed, wrapping Toni up in a hug.

“You literally saw me yesterday.”  
  
“Oh the fight. How did Regan take it, someone recorded it so I saw the whole thing. Who knew huh?” Martha pulled away from the hug and the second she saw Toni’s face her eyes widened in horror. “Toni, what happened to your face?”

_Shit,_ She had been in such a rush to leave Shelby’s that she had forgotten to cover up the cuts with makeup. “It’s nothing, Regan broke up with me after school so I walked home but face-planted because of the ice.” Toni chuckled half-heartedly, “So all up a pretty embarrassing sequence of events.”

Martha didn’t seem fully convinced but dropped the topic. “Aw Toni, but you two seemed so good. Why did she dump you?”

Weighing out her options, considering she was lying about so much, she decided to tell Martha the truth. “She thinks I’m like- you’re not gonna believe this - in love with Shelby?”

“I thought you hated Shelby… Honestly with the whole homophobia thing- Are you?” Martha cut to the chase.

She definitely felt something for Shelby. It wasn’t hatred but it also wasn’t love; that would be insane. She would probably call it more of a fascination? Either way. Whatever it was, it’s over now if their last argument was anything to go by.

“No, of course I’m not in love with Shelby, she’s s-“ _Straight,_ She was going to say, but stopped herself; it hadn’t gone over that well last time. Why was that the only argument she could think of in her defence? She thought back to their fight mere moments before. “She’s a high-strung homophobic bigot that needs to just chill the fuck out.”

“Because your-“ Martha raised an eyebrow and continued, “-so mellow?”

“That is not the same thing,” Toni laughed walking towards her first class. “People expect it from me. She’s just stressful and confusing to be around.”

Martha laughed but grabbed Toni’s arm before she could disappear through the door of her 1st period math class. “Are you okay? With everything that happened yesterday? Like, with Regan?”

Toni didn’t really know how to respond to that. She was not okay, but Regan was really only a small part of the problem. She had never really let herself get too invested because, given her life, it was doomed to fail. “It was inevitable. Don’t worry about it, we weren’t in love or anything.”

“Of course not, you’re in love with Shelby Goodkind remember?”

Shushing Martha loudly but unable to keep the smile off her face, Toni went through the door.

\--------

Martha dropped Toni off at home.

Shelby did not say a word to Toni in science class and that was perfect for her.

Without Regan taking up her lunch times, Toni sat with her friends and caught up on all of their lives. Apparently Leah had dumped the guy she was seeing and according to Nora, had eyes for Fatin. Toni wouldn’t believe it coming from anyone else but Nora was usually pretty spot on with these things. Dot’s dad was stable and the nurse, Mateo, had been staying longer than required and picking up extra shifts which gave Dot a lot of free time. For everyone else it was business as usual.

She was on a bit of a high when she arrived home, having almost let herself forget all of the bad things happening in her life. But when she arrived in front of the door, the dread came flooding back in for the conversation she was going to have to have with Carol now. Or, at least. hopefully it would be a conversation.

“Carol?” She said timidly, opening the door.

“In the lounge. I need to talk to you.” She sounded fine. She didn’t even sound drunk. Maybe it would be okay.

Her bag thudded to the floor and she hung up her coat. The television was muted when she walked into the lounge which was also highly unusual.

Carol patted the sofa beside her indicating for Toni to sit down next to her. Toni tried not to show how terrified she was as she perched herself on the edge of the sofa, far enough away from Carol as possible. “So,” Carol started, her voice a bit gruff, “I may have overreacted yesterday, but disrespect me and physically assault me like that again, you’re out.”

Toni nodded and waited for Carol to continue. “That’s it. Go,” Carol snapped, waving her hand as though attempting to swat a fly.

Just as Toni got up and rushed to her room Carol yelled, “Also, I paid that microscope from your temper tantrum in class the other week. Cost me a bomb.”

Toni just muttered thanks and skulked to her room. Panic fluttered in her chest. If it was anyone else, or any other situation, Toni would be elated for someone paying an expense for her. But for Carol? No. This meant that Toni owed her now.

Toni collapsed to the floor crying. What more could Carol possibly want from her? She didn’t have anything left to give.


	17. Shelby's World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a couple of little notes today. Firstly sorry for the delay on this chapter! 
> 
> Secondly, a couple of comments have mentioned the possibility of Toni getting sexually abused in the present, but I'm just letting you know now that I don't plan on writing that. I've implied that she was sexually abused in the past and that will come up a few times in the fic but it's not going to actively happen. So just thought I'd clarify that.
> 
> Next, this chapter is in Shelby's POV! So as I'm sure you can imagine, lots of (internalised) homophobia here x

Shelby's POV 

Shelby didn't sleep that night. All of her emotions, unclouded by alcohol, came rushing in as she sobered up with every passing minute.

After nearly 20 minutes of staring up at the ceiling she heard Toni whisper from the floor beside her, "Thank you Shelby, for everything today." Shelby didn't respond, what could she say? There was nothing to thank her for. She had hunted down Toni's address and stormed over to her house in the middle of the night for what? Why did she do it? Shelby's mind spun around so many reasons but never seemed to land on the real one. It was almost as though her brain had removed that very thought so she could never access it again. Maybe because she shouldn't.

The whole night was a mess. Right from Andrew expecting too much, to him breaking up with her when she stopped him going too far, to stealing his father's beer and getting drunk outside Toni's house. _Oh God,_ And Toni. Toni who was getting hurt at home, Toni whom she had kissed, Toni who ran after Shelby kissed her. After Shelby _kissed her._ What was she thinking?

Shelby prayed until the morning, prayed for her morality, prayed for Toni and prayed for an answer to the hundreds of questions ricochetting through her mind.

She was unbelievably relieved when her alarm went off. Finally, something to focus on other than the thoughts of last night's events.

Toni greeted her with the usual snark over her alarm. She paid her no mind though, telling her to just go back to sleep. Of course, Shelby did not necessary make that possible for her. In retrospect she could have accommodated her guest but she had things to do, and the whole situation with Toni was unexpected.

Shelby couldn't help glancing over to the resting brunette. The cuts on her face just visible over the top of the blanket covering her. The hell that girl must have gone through in her life. she was right, Shelby's issues had nothing on hers. What issues did Shelby even have? The need to be perfect, pressure to present a certain way and strict parents? God she was such an idiot running to Toni and telling her how hard her life was. At the time she needed to see her and tell her, but now it just felt stupid. Insensitive.

She glanced at Toni's sleeping form, or, resting form considering how much she had been huffing at Shelby's morning routine. Her dad would be furious if her caught someone like Toni in her room.

_Someone like Toni,_ She thought. What did that even mean? She shook her head clean of those thoughts. One moment of sympathy and she had forgotten what she stood for. What God stood for. Toni's lifestyle was a sin... But you should help others in need. For the first time ever the scriptures she had relied on so heavily to help her though any crisis were letting her down. It all felt so contradictory.

Shelby called Toni beautiful. She hadn't meant to, but it wasn't gay if you were just talking casually to someone whom you didn't have feelings for right? _Maybe. But probably not with someone you kissed just hours before,_ Shelby thought without warning, her heart skipping a beat.

Toni ran the shower and Shelby absolutely did not think about her in there. Every one of these impure feelings were just impulsive thoughts; not real. She repeated the mantra until a knock sounded at her door.

Without thinking Shelby responded, "Come in." But her heart jumped into her throat when she remembered that Toni was showering in the ensuite. "Hi Daddy," she said, her voice trembling when the door swung open and her dad walked in.

He opened his mouth to say something but stopped dead when he saw the makeshift bed on the floor and heard the shower running. His features sharpened and his jaw clenched. "Why is there a bed on the floor? And who is in the shower?"

Shelby hoped the pure panic that she felt in that moment was not viable on her face. She had to think of a quick response that her dad would believe. The only person that was likely to spend the night here was Becca, her best friend.

"I'm so sorry daddy," Shelby started sincerely, putting on the mask of perfect, apologetic daughter. She wore it often. "It's Becca. She got in a fight with her parents and needed somewhere to stay. She is super upset and doesn't want anyone to know-"

Raising a hand, her dad interrupted her rambling, his face suddenly softening. "Say no more. Take her out the back door, no one will bother her that way."

Her dad turned to leave and Shelby breathed a sigh of relief. Just thinking she had gotten away with her lie her dad turned around. "But Shelbs."

"Yeah?" She answered shortly, frustrated that the conversation wasn't over.

"I don't like you hanging around with that girl. Between you and me, her parents confided in me about her being tempted by the homosexual lifestyle. Now I have spoken to her parents and I've agreed to help her but, as you know, this mindset can be somewhat transferrable. I've seen it happen before."

Shelby swallowed a sick feeling, knowing that Toni's shower had just ended and she had probably heard that whole speech. She hated that it was a direct insult to Toni, especially after everything she'd been though but on the other hand, her dad was right. It was a sin. Becca was going to get the help she needed and Shelby respected that. At least, she thought she did. Sometimes she wondered if it was really that bad to be homosexual, it's all just attraction right? But the bible says it, clear as day, that it's a sin. Who was she to speak against the bible?

Emotion seemed to overcome her dad but he managed to force out the words, "Just promise me you won't let yourself be tempted by such things. It is not the Lord's way."

Shelby didn't even think before she responded, "I promise." She knew who she was, what she wanted in life and what was right in this world.

She didn't know why, but she felt bad for Toni, hearing that conversation. Shelby had heard a hundred times that gay people can't change and they were born that way. Why then had she seen it with her bare eyes? She had seen people reconnect with God and get back on the right path.

As soon as Toni left the bathroom they fought. Toni brought up the kiss, trying to tell Shelby that it meant something. It didn't, Shelby told her; and told herself.

Toni left. Shelby couldn't even remember what she had said. She heard her dad's voice in her ear, the same things she had heard all her life, and regurgitated those words. None of them passing through whatever filter people normally have when they speak.

She continued getting ready once Toni left but her thoughts stayed on the brunette girl. Not just the kiss, which despite her best efforts to forget it, was playing on a loop in her head, but how she was going to live knowing that someone she cared about- someone she knew- was getting abused. Why had she ran after the kiss? She was the homosexual, not Shelby. Everything was so twisted and contorted that Shelby could barely think for the rest of the day. Everything was clouded by thoughts of the previous night.

She was going to have to tell someone about Toni's home life. She couldn't carry this on her own, how was she supposed to know if she was doing the right thing? She hardly knew the girl. She spent the day wondering who she could tell that would know what was right for Toni. But she remembered Toni's threat from last night, saying she would tell everyone about the kiss. Shelby didn't know if she would actually do that but she had to assume she would.

Why would she care if Toni told everyone about the kiss anyway? No one would believe that Shelby was the one to initiate it. To everyone she knew, Shelby's word meant more than Toni's. Even with that justification Shelby still felt sick at the thought of that information getting out.

When science class rolled around she ignored Toni, not that the other girl even spoke to her either. She didn't pay attention to the class at all. Instead, she spent the entire time watching Toni; the way she reacted to certain words, how she hunched uncomfortably in her chair, the way she crossed her arms when she wasn't taking notes, how she often ran her thumb over a particular raised scar on her hand and how frequently her twisted to look over her left shoulder. Everything Toni did made Shelby wonder if it was a result of whatever abuse she had suffered at the hands of foster carers over the years.

Did she run from the kiss because she felt cornered? Because Shelby had hurt her? Or did she just not want it? Bile rose in her throat at the thought. She had been skating around that one particular reason since it happened. She kissed her back though. Shelby just shouldn't have kissed her. It was wrong. But then she started to think, If she hadn't kissed Toni, then she never would have ran back to her home, Shelby never would have chased after her, she never would have seen the abuse and would never have been put in a position to help the girl. She smiled to herself. It all made sense now. The Lord does work in mysterious ways.

With a new purpose, Shelby decided it was time to tell someone about Toni's home life, and she knew exactly who.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise she changes her tune eventually haha!


End file.
